Becoming a Monster

Chapter 393: Chapter 393: To Care, or Not To

The den was quiet, considering what had just happened.

Noah was once again sitting in his usual spot; a chair near one of the corners of the room. He held a core within his hands that was different from any core his creatures had ever seen. Only Ailetta had come across the new object. It was a core bathed in Noah’s blood and mana that crystallized into a gem. And within that gem was Yossef’s core.

He had the option of devouring Yossef’s soul, yet he decided against it. His eye observed Yossef’s soul to contain an ability, a trait, that he felt could be far more useful instead. He didn’t know the ability’s exact function, but from his Nexus eye, he could sense two traits, ’Thinning Presence and Diverge.’ The two feelings alone could have meant anything, but together, Noah felt the ability was more special than it let on.

And although the holder of the ability was weak, it didn’t diminish the value of the skill.

His mindset since losing the system had changed. He no longer had quests or levels to chase. The numbers meant nothing now. If the world no longer rewarded him with skills, he would take them from others instead. He would strip them down, absorb what humans called their , what monsters called their and make it his own.

Ever since he had accepted what he truly was, he promised himself to use every part of his nature, the hunger, the instinct, and his chimeric potential to its fullest.

But even after obtaining such a valuable skill... his thoughts remained astray.

His eyes were open, but unfocused. His thoughts replayed the earlier interaction. He thought about the hesitation in his actions, doubts he normally wouldn’t have had before. But every time, it was the recounting faces of those children that bothered him.

His mind constantly thought about it. Not about the children themselves, but it was something deeper.

Ailetta watched him from across the room. She was left to comfort Eve, who had shut down earlier after being denied to have Noah’s blood. What she was left with for the time being was Yossef’s corpse. Eve didn’t try to hide her dissatisfaction the entire time.

But during this time, Ailetta noticed Noah’s strange behavior, the cold stillness in him that always came after something stirred within his identity.

After a long stretch of silence, she finally spoke. "What’s wrong?" Her tone was light, but then, she hesitated before asking. "Is it because of the children?" She knew, even back then, that Noah held complicated emotions towards the topic.

She knew, even back then, that it didn’t have anything to do with a particular kid. And deep down, she believed it wasn’t because of some human sentimentality either.

There were still blank spots in what she knew of his past, but after listening to his parents before their ’tragic’ deaths, she had an inkling that Noah’s trauma survived his transformation even as a monster.

The trauma was always there, disguised as his obsession for power, his disgust with weakness. It was why he loathed people like Amara who could be stronger and yet holds herself back for weaklings who were fine with being weak. It was this reason why he began to gain a greater respect for Mark, at least he became someone who seeked for those close to him to also grow stronger.

Her question earned a reaction.

Noah’s eyes lifted to her, his expression was calm, too calm, considering his deep pondering. His gaze led to the ceiling, towards the eggs suspended in Arachne’s nest.

"I haven’t thought about it until now," he murmured. "And it’s been bothering me because... I still don’t know the answer myself."

He looked to Eve, his eyes reflecting a nostalgic ache when he pictured her when he first met her. A zombie that was no different than a young child.

If I encountered a monster’s child... If... the situation before had been replaced with monsters instead..." His voice slowed, almost as he was about to confess something he didn’t want to hear himself say out loud.

"Would I see them the same?"

He paused, and then he spoke softer, almost a whisper meant for no one but himself. "Should I see them the same?"

None of them answered. Almost all of his creatures felt the same. If it wasn’t their family, then it was food. Old or young, none of that mattered. At least, they haven’t been in a situation where it ever mattered. Even Arachne, whose mind was more instinct than empathy, tilted her head as her eyes wandered upward, following Noah’s earlier gaze.

She didn’t quite understand. Why would she care about her food’s smaller food?

Fenrir, who still laid outside of the entrance, ears twitched at the solemnity of Noah’s tone. The monstrous beast opened his eyes, wanting to properly think about Noah’s question since it was his duty to ease his leaders burdens. He thought about what he would do if he came across a human child. ’If I’m hungry then I’ll eat it...’ He looked over to the humans, now gathered closer than before. Looking at the smaller counterparts, he merely licked his lips, nodding slightly to himself to his own wisdom.

And then he pictured what he would do if he came across a miniature troll. "...I’ll do that too." He only had to think for a moment before he made his decision. Of course, it all depended on if Noah would allow him to. But his thoughts were nearly the same as Arachne. His world was simple, those who could eat, and those who were eaten.

Noah didn’t expect anyone to have the answer. It wasn’t really a question for them. It was just something that needed to leave his thoughts, to take form in words so that he could bury it properly later.

He didn’t have an issue with children dying. Death was the natural end to all living things, small or old, human or monster. That truth didn’t disturb him.

What bothered him was he felt as though he was contradicting his own identity. If he could feel this way about a human child, if their deaths could bother him even slightly, then shouldn’t he feel the same about a monster’s?

If not, then ? What about himself made that difference? That question is what left him pondering.

There was something he didn’t say.

A feeling that had lingered ever since the merging of his two classes, one that had only grown stronger since his transformation.

When he looked at monsters with potential, something inside him stirred. It wasn’t hunger. It wasn’t dominance. It was... A desire to make them stronger.

It was that same impulse that drew him toward Kratos, the moment they met, that quiet certainty that the beast’s potential was greater than the others. He’d felt it again with the drake, it was stronger than it was with Kratos. And deep down, he believed that this was the real reason he didn’t continue the fight back then.

And that bothered him. Because he never felt that way toward humans. Even now, when he thinks about those children. The emotion wasn’t pity, it was conflict. The idea that he could feel any lingering attachment at all, and yet not the same drive to make them stronger, felt wrong.

It made him wonder if something was wrong with himself.

He didn’t believe any of them would have an answer. He would’ve been surprised if they did. His companions were creatures of instinct. The only attachment they had were of those who were part of their own.

Still, his eyes moved toward Ailetta.

There was an almost in her. Sometimes, he felt that she knew him better than he did himself. It was ironic, it used to be the other way around.

Ailetta met his gaze, a soft smile appeared on her face. What she saw was a man, man, trying too hard to be perfect, to rid himself of all of his faults. And that’s well the problem lay.

"You’re thinking too much again."

"Maybe," he muttered.

"Heh~ Noah..." She could see that he was getting frustrated with himself.

"You don’t need to see them the same. You just need to know why you see them differently. It’s the same way that I care about everyone here, but... I wouldn’t bat an eye if the whole world went to hell. So... should I care?"

Noah narrowed his eyes, but then when he felt her hands on his face, he could only stare in her obsessive gaze.

"Would it matter to you that I could say that so easily?"

"Of course not, why would I-"

"And that’s exactly what I’m asking you, my foolish devil... Humans, monsters. It doesn’t make a difference. Care about what you want to care about. Kill what you want to kill. Save who you want to save. Wasn’t this your reason to become so strong in the first place? Do whatever you want. Stop holding back, stop judging yourself."

She leaned closer, her voice lowering near his ear.

"If you really want to find out the answer to your question... then how about having a child ourselves?"

"..."

At first, Noah thought she was merely teasing, reverting to her usual mischief to lighten the weight of his thoughts. But when he looked into her eyes, the playfulness he expected wasn’t there.

There was passion. Longing. And possession.