Hero? I've Long Stopped Being One

Volume 1 – Chapter 5: The Perfect Hero

At this moment the silver-haired, temperamental young woman was inside one of H-city's Hero Association headquarters' offices.

"Why do you want to modify the attack?" The Wintry Witch had an unhappy expression in her eyes as she looked at the man in front of her, "It has already been confirmed that Black Hand had the strength of a B-level criminal, and the following the witnesses on site at the time, they all were of no use in assisting in the takedown."

"Miss Winter, that's fine as it is. In any case, hasn't the criminal been caught already?" The man said.

The man in the office was H-city's Hero Association's president, Ouyang Rui.

"That's not the issue!" The Wintry Witch continued, "Why is all the credit being given to Decinobles' members?"

"It seems like Miss Winter still does not understand; do you know what the actually heroes are?" Ouyang Rui asked, "Heroes nowadays are only a different type of celebrity. Because it all depends on their public image, I wish to pick heroes that fit the preferences of the public image the most, and the Decinobles youths aren't that bad of a choice, their popularity as youngsters is pretty high, and they also have the capacity for growth."

"This cannot be the real reason you decided to personally interfere in the hero ranking list." The Wintry Witch stated.

"It was just a small thing I did, that's all." Ouyang Rui replied, "I'm simply just giving those people with high popularity a few chances."

"I don't approve of this."

"No one will care about your opinion." Ouyang Rui answered, "As long as I am president of this place for another day, don't even think about managing these trivial matters.:

Saying this, Ouyang Rui obviously lost interest in continuing the conversation.

"You doing this is absolutely not characteristic of a hero."

"That's the ideal hero in your mind." Ouyang Rui contemptuously said, "Heroes like [Zero] have long become relics of the past, what we need to focus on now are superheroes that can bring us benefits. You understand? Now, the main job of our Hero Association is to plan out the actions of superheroes. At the same time use this to drive them and place a huge shackle on them so theybecome slaves to our benefits.

"This kind of behavior is definitely not symbolic of a hero."

"Stop pushing your wistful dreams of heroes onto me." Ouyang Rui slapped the table and stood in front of the Wintry Witch, "Like [Zero], those kinds of heroes don't exist in the current world. Furthermore, who did you think you depended on to rise to B-level? If you weren't a part of the Winter family, do you think I would've talked so much with you? I would've long played you to death by now. Now I want you to go back and think about all of this long and hard."

And just like that, Ouyang Rui motioned as if he were seeing some visitor out.

Quietly leaving the president's office, the Wintry Witch clenched her fist, "I never wanted to become this type of hero in the first place."

……

Back at Lin Jie's house, Lin Jie and Xiao Zhan were currently watching the most recent news on the television.

"F***! Does Justice even exist!?" Xiao Zhan pointed at the television showing the news as he cried out in anger, "What is this rickery!?!? This is blatantly making up rules that don't even exist."

"Chill." Lin Jie said.

"Chill my ass, obviously we were the ones to defeat Black Hand, but the news says it was the Decinobles, who used all of their strength to defeat Black Hand." Xiao Zhan was indignant as he said, "Now, even the Hero Association has started their manipulation behind the scenes, F***!"

"Calm down bud." Lin Jie said.

"How could I calm down? It was obvious that those Decinoble bastards were down and out of the fight the entire time, this winning through subterfuge and laziness."

"Why does it seem like you are also just like them, winning through inaction."

"We are completely different, if it wasn't for me, they would've have been killed!"

"Noisy, why are you so noisy! Can't you see I'm trying to do my homework here?" Lin Wan's voice drifted out from her room.

"I've heard that your sister is incredibly amazing, she already tested into a graduate school, but she still plans to study for a Ph.D." Xiao Zhan said with awe in his voice.

"Yeah… wanting to marry her off is hard…" Lin Jie sighed as he said.

"You two scram!!"

……

On the second day, although very unwilling, Lin Jie still arrived at the Xiao clan building's top floor.

"You've arrived, my partner!" Xiao Zhan poked his head out from behind a workstation.

"Feels so nauseating." Lin Jie said reproachfully.

"You came here just in time, first come look at my newest weapon, in a moment I'll make one for you as well, this way you can easily pass the hero examination." Xiao Zhan said.

"You said I still need to take an examination?" Lin Jie was flabbergasted as he asked.

"Obviously, testing the strength of the body in only one part, there is also the written test and an essay you need to write." Xiao Zhan explained.

"Why does this feel so much like my high school graduation examination?"

"Alright, take a look at the newest weapon I made." Saying that, Xiao Zhan took out a pistol.

"A gun?"

"Did you think that I was such a shallow-minded person?" Saying that, Xiao Zhan pointed it at himself and pulled the trigger, and then a gust of wind suddenly whipped up his hair, "The actual use of this is a hair dryer, not only can it be used to scare enemies, it can also keep your hair perfect no matter what kind of fight you're in."

"……" Lin Jie looked at where he had stuck the hair dryer against, "I've got a question, is this useful in battle?"

"Didn't I already explain everything to you? It can scare enemies! But the crux of this weapon is to let you keep your handsome and confident image at all times! You have to know that being a superhero nowadays, means that your image is extremely important, just take the Decinobles for example: you think of them as trash right? But they are just the typical example of heroes that depend on their faces to make a living, so whatever the time may be, wherever the place, your image is the number one thing you need to take care of."

"Oh…" Lin Jie looked at the other gun, "Is this one also a hair dryer?"

"Obviously it isn't, this gun's specialty is shooting out hair gel." Xiao Zhan said, "I've already given names to them, Ebony and Ivory."

"Believe me, there is someone called who would like to come and kill you…"

"Oh, I almost forgot, look at this device I made." With that being said, Xiao Zhan took out a device.

"What is this thing?"

"Omnidirectional camera, this way we can bring evidence of the corruption and evil of heroes when their defense are down, and we can publicize our Xiao clan's science and technology business." Xiao Zhan proudly said.

"Trust me, if you release the videos you'll have to compensate even your pants away!"

After saying that, Lin Jie looked towards the table with a bunch of pitchforks on it.

"I see you still have a good eye though, you immediately noticed the Evil Elutriating Electrified Pitchforks version 2.0." Xiao Chen said proudly.

"Let me ask you a question, what use does this toy have?"

"Decontamination! Version 1.0 could only remove the dust on someone's body, but this newest version 2.0 can remove any stains. Like oily, greasy stains and spills could all be easily cleaned up. This way, you can protect your image and keep it clean and tidy whenever and wherever, and at the same time you can also protect the image of your enemies, keeping them clean and tidy."

"How much do you really care about your image!?" Lin Jie shouted.

"So that's why I say you can't find a girlfriend!" Xiao Zhan said, "The current society is one that put a lot of importance on your face and beauty, as long as one is a handsome guy or beautiful girl, it doesn't matter what you do, you can get special privileges. For example, even if there was a handsome guy who broke a bunch of laws and committed all kinds of wrongs, there would still be many young girls willing to love him and shriek for him.

Just look at the female villains in anime, as long as they are beautiful and have a personality, and show a little goodness, it doesn't matter if they had committed atrocious acts to heaven and earth, they would still often live until the very last episode.

On the contrary, if they were an ugly villain, heh heh, they won't live past 3 episodes."

"Well said, and it sounds very reasonable, I'm actually left speechless by you."

"Oh youngster, it's not that you don't put in great effort, it's just a sad truth that this society is one that only looks at your looks." Xiao Zhan said.

Lin Jie thought this to be true, in the past when he was still masquerading as Zero, he'd used a black mist to cover his face. So whenever he appeared anywhere, there was never a warm welcome, or screams, or girls coming to hug him of their own accord. Thinking more about the Decinobles members, their selling point was their handsomeness, so wherever they went they would give rise to many young girls' screams of delight.

"That's right, this is for you." Xiao Zhan threw a large pair of sunglasses at him, "This is the newest invention I have made."

"Whatchu use this for?"

"We can converse through these sunglasses, at the same time it can also be used during the downtimes of a hero to bring a little pleasure back in. They can connect to a network to watch movies and read e-books. But the most crucial point of these, there is a T seed inside."

Xiao Chen let out a smile as if he completely understood what he was talking about.

"You're not lying to me?" Lin Jie returned the expression as if he understood everything.

"Every word is absolutely true."

"I appreciate you, partner." Saying that, Lin Jie and Xiao Zhan shook hands.

"Let's see what else you would like for equipment?"

"That's good enough, other than the sunglasses, I wouldn't use any of the others, I have my own equipment." Saying that, Lin Jie took out the morningstar that he used last time from his bosom.

"I'm still very curious, how are you hiding such a big weapon?"

"The truth is, in my bosom is a four-dimensional bag."

"Get outa here! Right now, even if you combine the world's learned minds, they couldn't even solve the issue of space travel. Nevertheless, looking at your morningstar, I can't help but notice that it seems a bit abnormal, could you lend it to me to evaluate for a bit?"

"Out of the question." Lin Jie answered, "Fortunately, I didn't decide to sell it a few years ago, otherwise I would've had to use weapons made by this idiot, like this Evil Elutriating Pitchforks."

Lin Jie remembered the second year he lived in the house, because of economical issues he had to open up shop on sale for the loot and equipment he had acquired throughout the years of fighting.

……

"It only costs 998, come and take the Dragon Slaughtering Knife back home!" Lin Jie held an authentic Dragon Slaughtering Knife and said to the person standing before him.

"Tch, who'd believe you? Do you have evidence this is the real Dragon Slaughtering Knife?" That person retorted.

"This is…"

"Making up claims but not even trying to make a somewhat more normal claim."

"How about this, for 998 you can take the Dragon Slaughtering Knife, home and I'll even add on a Heavenly Leaning Sword to the deal."

"Too expensive."

"Then what do you think about this one? The Snowdrinker^[1], you only need to pay 798 for it, and I'll add in a good Vanishing Sword." Saying that, Lin Jie took out a knife and sword.

"This one… looks lame but I still I love the design."

"Then this one then? The Imperial Dragon Sword, just 698 and you can take it home, and I'll gift you an ancient European-made GREATSWORD."

"This appearance is not bad at all." The customer couldn't help but look at the gorgeous shape of a bow.

"Your eyesight is pretty good, this is Tears of the Galaxy is a high-grade weapon, so it has to be a little more expensive, only 1,980. And I'll add on a Devil Morningstar."

"This will be a gift to my girlfriend, I think she'll like it, that Devil Morningstar, I don't want it anymore, it's too big. I just want this bow.

"Yes sir, no problemo."

After paying the money, that customer suddenly looked at behind Lin Jie where four ancient swords were floating.

"These four look like they have meaning to them." The customer walked towards those four ancient floating swords.

"Those are the weapons on display, not for sale! Hey, don't touch!" Lin Jie looked at the customer as he said, unfortunately, it was already too late.

The customer hadn't even touched the long swords floating in the air, when all of a sudden his finger disappeared, blood spewing out. For a while, blood-curdling screams could be heard coming from the alleyway.

"F***, I've already said to not touch, these are the Executioner Immortal's four swords. You even dare to touch these Heaven destroying Invincible weapons."^[2] Lin Jie faced the person in front of him as he said, "You were the one randomly touching things, I am not going to pay for any medical expenses."

"What's over there?" A few people clothed in police uniforms could be heard running into the alley.

"F***, the police department is here!!!" Lin Jie hurriedly rushed to collect all of his stuff.

Footnotes:

[1]Snowdrinker: name of a weapon from a popular Hong Kong comic, <Feng Yun>. Props to Armored Raven.

[2]Reference to a move from a Chinese MMO. Basically One sec (to destroy the) heavens, One sec (to destroy the) Earth, One sec (to Destroy) the air. Three Seconds to destroy the everything and is invincible under the heavens. Props to Vexed for the info.

[3]「我們兩個可以通過墨鏡視頻聊天啊，同時還可以在枯燥的英雄生活中增添點樂趣，他可以聯網看電影，電子書啥了。最關鍵是裡面有一個T的種子。」If anyone can tell me what this refers to, that'd be awesome!

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