I Got a Fake Job at the Academy

Chapter 758 - Side Story 31: Catherine Earnshaw (3)

The splendid banquet had ended. Objectively speaking, it was a bit of a misnomer to call it splendid. Among the various receptions Rudger had seen so far, ones far grander and more magnificent than this were too numerous to count on both hands.

But this was certainly a banquet. The taste and quantity of the food were excellent. The same went for the people who shared the meal.

Above all, what satisfied Rudger most was the abundance of heart. Setting aside the sad stories, the conversation that followed was very light and trivial. If one had to categorize it, it was the kind of conversation commonly encountered in daily life.

But there was happiness in it. Warm laughter and hearts were together.

The reason this banquet was special to Rudger was simply because that heart filled him more than any other banquet he had experienced.

After lunch ended, Rudger left the mansion and strolled through the streets. The village where the Earnshaw family resided was a quiet countryside.

It was quite large in scale to be called countryside, but it was endlessly shabby to be called a city. Since farming was their livelihood, it was proper to call it countryside.

Located in the northern inland region of the continent, this place was fundamentally cool in temperature.

There was a reason they made potatoes their staple food and cultivated them extensively.

Normally, temperatures around 20 degrees needed to be maintained for more than half the year, and this was the most suitable temperature.

Unlike the somewhat cool climate, the sunlight was warm. Rudger looked up at the sky. Through the slightly obscured leaves, the brilliant sun was visible.

The sun always existed at the same time, in the same place. There had been such sunlight in the past, and the sun would probably exist in the future as well.

However, savoring the sunlight like this, in the present, would only be this moment.

'It's quiet. Peaceful to a terrible degree.'

Rudger, muttering this to himself, belatedly realized what he was thinking and felt self-deprecating.

Wasn't this the kind of thing someone tired of peace and seeking stimulation would say? It wasn't something a person who had wanted peace more than anyone should say.

He had been running without rest for even a moment until now. There had been a three-year gap, but that couldn't be called rest. In fact, it was only after returning to this world that Rudger had been able to relax and live comfortably.

That period hadn't been very long. Perhaps that's why Rudger couldn't adapt to all of this.

Perhaps because the years of running had been too long, even standing still in place like this wasn't easy. Obsession. Or anxiety. He felt like he had to do something right away.

Perhaps this situation felt like a midsummer night's dream, making him even more anxious.

'This is... I seem to have become quite weak too.'

Was it because he had spent three years alone in a place with no one? Or was it the aftermath of running without rest in extreme situations until now?

Just as rapidly cooling heated metal that had reached its limit causes cracks, his heart had done the same.

His legs felt light, and his mind flowed somewhere. Everything in the world spun dizzily, and even light was distorted and didn't enter his eyes properly. His body felt heavy and he was short of breath, as if he had fallen into the depths of the deep sea.

Rudger closed his eyes and took a deep breath for a moment. It was a panic attack.

'Not yet, I'm fine.'

From the standpoint that he himself was aware of this situation, it wasn't at a serious level at least. However, since such a thing had occurred through the crack that had once opened in his heart, he couldn't know what would happen afterward.

In reality, no matter how much he tried to tell himself it was fine, the panic state didn't easily subside.

When living in unhappiness, he had been fine, but facing happiness brought panic. It was ironic.

In other words, now that he had something to lose, it was the optimal environment for anxiety to arise.

Shhhh. Whooo.

He calmed his breathing steadily. His heart was beating like crazy. The experience of a body that had been unfazed even when facing the voice of a god losing control like this was, honestly speaking, not very pleasant.

"Are you okay?"

At that moment, a warm warmth descended onto Rudger's shoulder. The fear that had been tormenting Rudger disappeared like a mirage.

His vision returned to normal, and his breathing stabilized. Rudger slowly turned his head.

Catherine was looking at him with a worried gaze.

"What's wrong? You suddenly stopped in place, and when people call you, there's no answer." 

"Ah, was that so?"

"You, are you okay? The cold sweat on your face is no joke."

Rudger belatedly realized that cold sweat had formed on his forehead.

"Stay still."

Catherine took out a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped Rudger's sweat.

"I can do it myself though." 

"Do it yourself, my foot. Don't hide from me. Your condition isn't good right now." 

"Not particularly..." 

"Will you obediently admit it, or will you get hit and then admit it?"

It seemed there was no option of not admitting it. When Rudger gave no answer, Catherine nodded satisfactorily.

"You should have done so from the start."

-Swish. Swish.

Only the faint sound of Catherine wiping the sweat with the handkerchief could be heard. Rudger closed his eyes and felt that sound and the warmth that reached beyond the handkerchief.

Each time the warmth touched him, it felt like his cold and pale heart was being dyed in bright colors.

"All done." 

"I'll wash the handkerchief and return it." 

"Forget it. As if this is any big deal."

Catherine, who had put the handkerchief in her pocket, placed both hands on her hips.

"More importantly, you, that just now was a panic attack, wasn't it?" 

"......" 

"It's no use trying to hide it. As if I wouldn't know such a thing. Even though I look like this, I was a former saint." 

"Do saints see such things often?" 

"It's not because I was a saint that I saw it often. You know. My sisters."

The sisters Catherine mentioned were her sworn sisters who had once been priests.

"When they were young, they lived in fear every day. Well, they had no choice. Not knowing when they might be disposed of, how could they be fine? Moreover, at that time, they were only in their early teens."

For girls in their early teens, there could be nothing more frightening than having their lives discarded.

Even a meaningful death requires resolve, yet they were forcing mere culling on those young girls.

For the children, it could only be a nightmare, beyond that, a lifelong trauma.

"They couldn't sleep properly every day, couldn't eat properly. I had to care for those children. I had no choice. They were children in circumstances similar to mine."

Catherine said in a bitter voice.

"If I hadn't had talent, I would have ended up in the same situation as those children. No, perhaps I would have died without even awakening. Like the children who already left first."

Right. Her sworn sisters who had been priests were also survivors who had barely survived the experiments. All the other children had died because they couldn't withstand the power of the saint.

"So I had to care for them. If not me, who could do it? It's something that should naturally be done as a human being. But seeing you now, you're reacting exactly like those children back then." 

"How did you care for them?" 

"Even if you ask how, there's no particular method. I just stayed by their side continuously."

When they fell into panic, she hugged them, and when they couldn't sleep, she held their hands. The sworn sisters couldn't properly conduct daily life when separated from Catherine.

Catherine spent days and nights caring for her sworn sisters. It was very physically and mentally exhausting work. But Catherine endured the process with patience.

"So are they okay now?" 

"Can't you see? They've gotten much better. Of course, I can't say it's complete. That's ultimately a wound of the heart. It can heal, but like a scar remains, it never disappears." 

"I see."

"But I didn't know that you would experience similar symptoms." 

"It's not that serious."

"There's no such thing as serious or not serious with this problem. It's fortunate that we discovered the symptoms now, otherwise what would have happened?" 

"I'm......" 

"If you say you're fine, I'll hit you." 

"......"

Rudger actually found himself smiling at those words.

"Is it funny?" 

"I laughed because the appearance of trying to solve everything with violence is not at all saint-like." 

"Then that's fortunate. It means you at least have the leisure to laugh." 

"Was it a joke?" 

"No. I was serious." 

"......How brutal."

Catherine might really do that. Rudger resolved to choose his words carefully.

"Then that symptom, what should be done to make it better?" 

"Having someone by your side would work, but for you who wanders around alone like now, it's a meaningless method." 

"You know well." 

"Even if I said I'd go with you, you'd stubbornly refuse." 

"You know too well." 

"Of course. Look at what you've done so far. You've always sacrificed yourself. Since your body is already stained with wounds, you say it's okay to get hurt instead."

Catherine clearly realized this when Rudger handed her the note with her parents' address written on it.

This fool, in that situation where he might die at any time, tried to help an old friend regain her lost family.

"You know what? You're really foolish and stupid and an idiot." 

"I want to deny those words, but well, I'll accept that much." 

"I really want to pour out curses at you but I'm holding back." 

"......I'd appreciate it if you held back on that. So, is there any separate solution?" 

"You need to eliminate the source of your anxiety. You need to recognize with your head that it's nothing much." 

"The source of anxiety."

Catherine's words sounded somehow ambiguous yet clear.

"Panic is a kind of fear. Your body and mind freeze in fear that might suddenly come at any time. What are you afraid of?" 

"My fear......"

Rudger recalled why he had experienced panic just moments ago. Just trying to recall it made cold sweat start to form again.

It surely would have if Catherine hadn't brought her index finger to his forehead.

"Focus." 

"......" 

"Recall it slowly. Don't worry. Everything is fine."

Catherine's voice was soft and gentle like a spring breeze. 

Warm sunlight, leaves swaying in the wind and the small warmth felt on his forehead.

Rudger closed his eyes and spoke slowly.

"Whether this moment of me standing still like this is really reality. If it is reality, how long can such happiness last? Whether I'm allowed to enjoy such peace."

Rudger, who had been hesitating for a moment, put the last words in his mouth. In fact, the greatest fear. The true feelings he had been hiding until now.

"The fear that I might suddenly disappear from this world."

His precious comrades had suffered over Rudger's disappearance. They had Rudger return, but had to worry because he might suddenly disappear at any time.

Rudger told them it was fine, but in truth, it wasn't because the one who feared it more than anyone was Rudger himself.

"Many things happened. Too many things. Things too much for an individual to bear. When they came, I didn't know it was hard. I just did it. Because I had to survive. Because I had to achieve my goal."

Rudger looked down at his palm.

"I didn't think about what came after because I thought that was a luxury. Because I believed I could only reach it by squeezing out every last drop of my soul fragment every day with my utmost effort."

His heart was in the future, but his eyes saw the present. If he didn't survive today, the future wouldn't come. With that resolve, Rudger always lived in the present.

Imagining the future was merely the power to keep the flame in his heart from going out. He had never been truly confident that he would actually achieve it.

Still, sometimes, he would dream. What if he achieved it, he would wonder. Because anyone can dream.

"I thought it would be comfortable once I achieved everything."

He had thought that way at times. Of course, at that time, he didn't truly believe he would succeed in this grand plan. He just thought he should do his best.

So imagining the future after succeeding and achieving everything could only be too crude and rough.

Right. Because that's just a wish. Because it's just a dream. Therefore it lacked a sense of reality, was vague, and just sounded absurd.

"When I actually achieved it, I realized it was an illusion. After achieving it, I could feel that I had consumed too much while running through the passing years."

The pain of the wounds carved on his body came rushing all at once. It wasn't that he didn't know the pain. Nor did he endure it. He just postponed it to the future for the immediate present.

That postponed thing had returned. The more he relaxed, the stronger the pain became, and the fear also grew.

He had been too worn down to start again. He only realized this now.

"Then the method is simple."

From Catherine's mouth came neither sympathy nor pity for Rudger, nor empathy. She just presented a light solution as if it were nothing much.

"Find proof that you're alive right now." 

"Me?" 

"Look beneath your feet."

When he lowered his gaze further as Catherine said, he saw a shadow.

"What do you see?" 

"The ground and my shadow." 

"That's the proof that you're alive in this present moment right now."

It wasn't just the shadow.

"The touch of my hand reaching you right now. My voice. The warm sunlight. The scent of grass. All your five senses feeling everything in the world are telling you that you're alive."

Proof that makes one realize they exist and stand in this place, not an illusion or fake.

"Whenever it's hard, recall that. That you're alive. And if you're a living person, do what must definitely be done." 

"What's that?"

Catherine answered with a clear smile.

"Living."