Incurable Pain

IP Chapter 42.2

Incurable Pain | Chapter 42.2

“Yinyin, you, you…” She was at a loss for words, trying to find the right words. 

“Does Yu Luoyin know? Have you two broken up?”

“He doesn’t know yet.” 

Bai Xunyin shook her head, and her phone on the table began to vibrate frantically with the name ‘Yu Luoyin’ flashing on the screen.

She hollowly smiled, “We’re about to break up soon.”

Ah Mo was stunned by the immense Ah Mount of information in her words, and could only watch as Bai Xunyin casually answered the phone, said nothing, and hung up, then stood up and left.

The girl’s bac was always slender and straight, not bending even a bit.

Bai Xunyin left the café and took the bus home—Yu Luoyin’s call just now sounded like ice, only saying ‘I’m downstairs at your house’ before hanging up.

It was still raining heavily in At the entrance of the alley, Bai Xunyin saw Yu Luoyin leaning against the wall from afar. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there, and his clothes were already drenched.

From Linlan she walked back to Ajun Alley from the bus stop, getting soaked along the short distance. The wet black hair on her cheeks clung to her pale face.

Bai Xunyin closed her eyes, knowing that this day would come sooner or later.

She took a deep breath and walked past him as if nothing had happened.

Yu Luoyin’s lowered eyes saw a pair of white sneakers stop in front of him. When he looked up, his eyes, already soaked by the rain, were red and sore, as if he had cried, especially prominent on his fair and delicate face.

But Bai Xunyin remained indifferent, and Yu Luoyin saw the word ‘indifference’ clearly in her eyes.

In an instant, he felt as if he had fallen into an abyss, feeling more powerless than ever before.

The countless words and questions he had prepared were all wiped out by a single glance from Bai Xunyin. 

In the end, they both remained silent like sculptures in the wind and rain for a while before Yu Luoyin whispered softly, “You never forgave me, did you?”

He wasn’t foolish enough to think that Bai Xunyin had ‘changed her mind’ about her college choice.

She must have never changed.

The sweetness and tenderness of the past few months were probably just an illusory mirage, and when the time came, it naturally dissipated.

Bai Xunyin didn’t deny it, just dryly said, “We’re not suitable.”

“It’s not suitable to be together in college, let alone be together.”

“You’re afraid that I’ll cling to you, aren’t you?” 

Yu Luoyin’s lips curled slightly, with a hint of self-mockery in his eyes, “So even if you ‘sacrifice’ yourself to deceive me, you don’t want me to apply to the same university as you.”

Bai Xunyin pursed her lips, not caring about Yu Luoyin’s aggressive questioning, nor explaining the various reasons why she didn’t break up with him before the college entrance examination…

She just indifferently said, “Maybe.”

Yu Luoyin’s hand at his side clenched into a fist for a moment.

“Luoyin, I thank you for being able to speak again,” 

Bai Xunyin’s mind flashed back to her previous ‘agreement’ with Gu Yan, sighing lightly, turning black and white upside down—

“But maybe I’m just a very petty and sensitive person after all, and I can’t forget those few months, the ‘illusory mirage’ you gave me.”

“We’re not suitable, and if we were together, I would always remember that.”

“Sooner or later, we would grow tired of each other, and I don’t want to miss the university I’ve always wanted to go to because of this.”

“Yu Luoyin, I don’t dislike you, but I really can’t forgive you.”

Likewise, she couldn’t forgive herself either.

Perhaps life is meant to face countless pains and dilemmas. Bai Xunyin said each word, seeing Yu Luoyin gradually darken and hollow out in the rain and mist, feeling that she could treat this pain as a kind of practice.

Bai Xunyin sought a clean break, so she would rather hurt someone decisively than leave any room for ambiguity.

She hoped that Yu Luoyin would forget about her, as that would be the best outcome for both of them.

Because they were never meant to be in the same world. Meeting in high school, experiencing so many strange ‘memories,’ was something that could only happen once in a lifetime.

One must not be too greedy in life.

“Xinyin, you really can.” 

Yu Luoyin finally spoke after a long while, his voice hoarse, laughing softly, “So this is what you’re thinking…”

Today, he truly understood what ‘ruthlessness’ meant—being able to calmly ‘act’ with him for so long, pretending to be indifferent and happy, while Bai Xunyin’s heart was never at peace.

If Bai Xunyin wanted to retaliate against him, then she had achieved her goal today.

There was nothing better than seeing the admission list posted on the Sanzhong official website. A simple word could make someone feel like they were in heaven and hell at the same time.

Yu Luoyin had always been a teenager who kept his emotions hidden. Even at a young age, he was deeply scheming, never showing any extra clarity on his face.

But there had never been a moment when the ‘pain’ on his face was so obvious—actually, his facial expression wasn’t exaggerated at all, just a slight furrow of his eyebrows, but the eyes contained a vivid sense of shattered self-mockery.

The words ‘I’m sorry’ lingered on his tongue, but in the end, Bai Xunyin didn’t say them.

She just said, “Farewell.”

Yu Luoyin’s eyes regained the indifference they had when they first met, as if he was looking at a stranger.

Bai Xunyin knew that this time, they had truly ‘parted ways.’

This was also within her expectations. In her plan, this should have been the last time she and Yu Luoyin would meet.

Although not long ago, when they were together under the big tree in the ancient town, Bai Xunyin had truly hoped that time would stop at that moment, but unfortunately, the world didn’t revolve around her.

In more than a year of knowing each other, they had stumbled around like young deer, tested each other, split up, and been sweet. All the emotions, desires, and flavors had been experienced.

But Bai Xunyin still felt a bit reluctant.

She walked back home in the rain, feeling hot despite the cool weather. She felt cold and damp, and her exposed skin was covered with clear goosebumps.

But Bai Xunyin didn’t look back, she didn’t even look at Yu Luoyin again to see if he was still standing there.

Numbly returning home, Bai Xunyin took off her wet clothes, took a shower, and finally dried her hair before crawling into the loose and warm bed.

She had never lied in bed in the middle of the day like this before, but now she was too tired.

After being willful, it was time for a new beginning.

During this period, Ah Mo had come to her house twice. Seeing Bai Xunyin observing her carefully, she sighed silently and didn’t bring up anything related to ‘Yu Luoyin.’

“Yinyin, we’re going to separate.” Ah Mo’s voice was filled with sadness at the idea of ‘parting,’ her eyes slightly red, but she broke into a smile through her tears. 

“I feel like we haven’t even started college yet, and I’m already missing the times when I could rely on you every day.”

Perhaps the traces of growing up are deeply heartbreaking.

Bai Xunyin remained silent for a moment, shaking her head, “Separation is temporary.”

All separations are for the sake of better reunions.

Since junior high graduation, when Bai Hongsheng had an accident, Bai Xunyin felt like her life had been facing separations all along, and she had almost gotten used to those two words.

But it wasn’t until the night before leaving home, when Bai Xunyin was packing her bags, that her forced strength finally shattered.

In the bottom drawer of her wardrobe, there was a Third Middle High school uniform—clean, it was a boys’ uniform, and neatly folded on top of it was a thin diary.

Both of these items were related to Yu Luoyin. One was a school uniform that Yu Luoyin had put on her one time when he escorted her home, and at the time, Bai Xunyin hadn’t been willing to return it. 

Later, she simply forgot to return it.

And the diary was filled with Yu Luoyin’s name during the period of ambiguous infatuation, unable to contain her impulse to write his name.

Every word, every stroke, sometimes she pressed so hard that it seemed like she would puncture the diary with the tip of her pen—but in reality, there was nothing else besides Yu Luoyin’s name.

These two items were never thrown away by Bai Xunyin during her most painful moments; instead, they were hidden in the deepest place. Now, unexpectedly, they were brought out, like nails suddenly appearing in her sight.

As if the ‘pain’ that had been dull for so long had suddenly awakened, Bai Xunyin felt her heart pricked by an invisible needle for a moment, the pain making her unconsciously crouch down, her slender fingers clutching the school uniform.

She could clearly feel that every part of her body, even every cell, was spreading with an indescribable ‘pain.’

Subtle and pervasive, it penetrated every pore.

This probably stemmed from the realization at this moment that Bai Xunyin had lost something.

Three years ago, when she graduated from junior high, she lost her voice and her father.

And today, after graduating from high school, she realized that she might have lost someone she really, really liked, as well as the ability to love. Which loss was greater, it was really hard to say.

The girl’s pale face was numb, tears falling belatedly, she didn’t even notice, but they stained the diary with ‘Yu Luoyin’—the black ink blurred into a mess, looking miserable.

Don’t cry, this is the path you chose for yourself.

Bai Xunyin sniffed, wiping the book clean with her hand, then stood up to continue packing. If she were to indulge in self-pity and self-blame, then there would be no point in living.

As she finished packing her luggage, Bai Xunyin thought for a moment and decided to pack the school uniform and diary together in her suitcase.

Consider it as being kept ‘under the box,’ bringing traces of Yu Luoyin into her new years, still leaving behind traces of him.

“My heart is a wild bird, in your eyes it found its sky.” – Tagore.