Incurable Pain

IP Chapter 44

Incurable Pain | Chapter 44

Bai Xunyin took a half-month leave to go home for the funeral. After a long five-hour flight, she landed on the land of Linlan, only to see Bai Hongsheng’s tombstone.

Standing in the Nan Bu Wwan Cemetery, it was a solitary and cold tombstone.

On it was a photo of Bai Hongsheng when he was young, with clear and gentle features, handsome and refined. Many people used to say that Bai Xunyin looked like her father when she was young.

The photos on tombstones were generally chosen by close relatives to commemorate the most memorable moments in their lives. Bai Xunyin could see that this was a moment shortly after Bai Hongsheng and Ji Huiying were married. He looked about twenty-seven or twenty-eight years old.

It’s good, it’s good.

Freezing this moment on the tombstone, he would forever be young and carefree.

Ji Huiying’s pale face was red-eyed, her expression numb and empty. Even when Bai Xunyin rushed back from the airport, she didn’t notice, just stared blankly at Bai Hongsheng’s photo.

How long she looked, Bai Xunyin also stood silently behind her for how long.

Until a choked sob came from the depths of the silent cemetery.

The sound wasn’t crying—because the pain was so extreme, there were no tears.

Their deep affection for over a decade, whether experiencing family turmoil or devastating blows, had never changed.

“Yinyin.” 

Ji Huiying’s voice was hoarse, and she said softly with her back to Bai Xunyin, “Come and accompany your dad.”

After she finished speaking, covering her mouth with her slender hand, she left the cemetery, stumbling a few times and almost falling.

After she left, Bai Xunyin had to face the facts. Every step she took to the grave was extremely difficult.

As if all her strength had been drained, Bai Xunyin uncontrollably knelt on the ground.

There was a mist before her eyes, and she didn’t know how long she had knelt on the cold ground.

Actually, she had always known that Bai Hongsheng probably wouldn’t wake up, but she always self-deceptively thought that the word “miracle” might happen, always unrealistically hopeful.

Bai Xunyin had always wanted Bai Hongsheng to wake up even for just one day, to tell him that she and her mother were doing well, that she wasn’t bullied by those bad people… 

She didn’t want her father, who loved her so deeply, to rest in peace in heaven without knowing.

Unfortunately, it was just wishful thinking.

But it doesn’t matter, everyone will reunite in heaven in the end.

During the entire holiday, Bai Xunyin stayed at home, almost unwilling to take a step out of her cramped room.

It was obviously a place she was so familiar with, but Bai Xunyin felt everything was strange and surreal. Although people talked to her, she felt she couldn’t hear them or respond.

It seemed that Ji Huiying had come, Amo had come, even Grandpa and Grandma had come… but Bai Xunyin just sat numbly on the bed, motionless.

Actually, she heard them crying or calling, but her limbs and every cell in her body felt inexplicably lazy, unable to respond.

Only Bai Xunyin knew that she wasn’t “torturing” herself.

This was her hurdle, and only she could help herself get through it.

It wasn’t until the day before she returned to the north that Bai Xunyin’s muddled mind finally cleared, finally accepted the fact that Bai Hongsheng had left this world completely.

Since then, she no longer had a father, and along with Bai Hongsheng’s passing, there were also her dreams.

Bai Xunyin found that her tears were always much slower than ordinary people’s. When she broke up with Yu Luoyin nearly half a year ago, she cried for a night only after a half-month delay, this time too.

She was late in realizing for half a month, and cried for a night.

The next day, when she woke up, her eyes were red, her eyelids swollen, but she could finally talk to others.

“Grandpa, Grandma, Mom.” 

Bai Xunyin dressed neatly, pushed open the door of her bedroom, walked out, smiled gently at the three old people sitting restlessly in the living room, her voice cold and slightly hoarse from not speaking for half a month—

“Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m fine now.”

Bai Xunyin didn’t forget a sentence she had written in her notebook before: Life is originally a painful practice, just a little more or less painful.

She was just a corner of the countless sentient beings, destined to endure what she had to endure.

After Bai Hongsheng’s death, Ji Huiying, who was never vigorous, seemed to have completely withered. Bai Xunyin went to study in the north, and she simply went back to the old town with her parents.

Ji Huiying didn’t want her life to be written with the big word “loneliness”. It might be the best choice to accompany her parents and take care of them.

Anyway, she was retired now, it didn’t matter where she lived. She didn’t need to rent a house in the old town, and the pension could be used for Bai Xunyin’s education.

Once this decision was made, there was no turning back.

In the middle of the night, Bai Xunyin woke up in the dormitory and thought of what had happened nearly half a year ago.

She thought of herself helping Ji Huiying pack up and move before returning home for the funeral, and a shallow layer of cold sweat appeared on her back.

She breathed heavily, a thin layer of mist appearing before her eyes.

Sometimes, Bai Xunyin’s mind would involuntarily bring up a question mark—did she really live in Linlan for eighteen years?

Why is there nothing there now… that belongs to her?

Bai Hongsheng was gone, Ji Huiying went to the old town, not to mention Grandpa and Grandma, even the place to live was gone. 

Now when she went back home for summer and winter vacations, it couldn’t be said that she was returning to Linlan, but to the old town.

After living in Linlan for so many years, had Bai Xunyin left no trace at all?

The heating in the north in winter was very sufficient, but Bai Xunyin’s slender fingers clenched the quilt, feeling cold, as if there was a bottomless black hole in her heart.

Bai Xunyin was admitted to the graduate school by the school in her fourth year of undergraduate study, yet she still chose to stay in the same school for her graduate studies. 

She didn’t consider universities in the northern or southern cities—even though her scores were enough to meet the admission criteria of top universities.

But Bai Xunyin’s aspirations were not in those top universities; she seemed like a wounded little beast that just wanted to stay in her “comfort zone”. She had grown accustomed to everything in the north.

But Bai Xunyin’s “comfort zone” was different from what ordinary people understood.

In her four years of undergraduate studies and two years of graduate studies, she had become the famous “freaky campus belle” on the school’s forum.

This title didn’t praise her abnormal beauty but marveled at Bai Xunyin’s almost crazy dedication to her studies.

If she was relatively normal in her freshman and sophomore years, then from her junior year, she didn’t know what happened. 

Bai Xunyin suddenly became like a precise instrument that only knew how to study. Even roommates who were once familiar with her would avoid her as much as possible.

She got up to run at seven o’clock every morning, attended all her classes without missing one, and went to the library for self-study when there were no classes. Almost every day, she didn’t come back until it was almost dark.

The library at the university was famous, and students who often went there found a “beautiful” sight—Bai Xunyin.

She looked pure but didn’t smile, didn’t talk much, and had an aura of “keeping a thousand miles away” while studying in the library, causing those boys who were once interested in her to automatically back off.

In her freshman year, there were similar “innocent” boys like Fang Xu who dared to come and pursue Bai Xunyin, but by the time Bai Xunyin reached graduate school, there were no boys who dared to come up and propose a relationship with her.

Bai Xunyin was completely unaware of this.

In fact, Bai Xunyin knew about the rumors circulating on campus—about her being abnormal, sarcastically saying she pretended to study hard, and so on… but she didn’t care.

Besides action, there’s nothing else to counter those rumors.

And when the GPA rankings were released at the end of each semester, Bai Xunyin topped the list among all the students in the school’s majors, those messy attacks naturally dissipated.

She was already at the level of a “study god,” surpassing ninety-nine percent of the students in the entire school.

Back in high school, Bai Xunyin focused all her efforts on studying, determined to be the first in everything.

Now she really was first every time, but somehow… it didn’t feel like much.

Unconsciously, the delicate and fragrant girl nurtured by the waterside had grown to be even colder than the northern winter.

Bai Xunyin’s demeanor became “sharper” year by year, just like the biting cold air of the north.

But only those who were truly familiar with her knew that Bai Xunyin was just becoming increasingly numb and blunt on the outside, not easy to approach.

The long hours in classrooms, libraries, and labs immersed her in endless numbers, experiments, and various theoretical studies… she had to become numb.

In reality, she was still the same girl who was not good with words but gentle and easy to talk to.

The rumors of “indifference and aloofness, not approachable” were just fragile paper tigers.

In the evening, Bai Xunyin walked from the library to the cafeteria and casually grabbed some food to take back to the dorm. She saw Zhao Na, who was also a graduate student at the university, doing her makeup.

Zhao Na’s long eyelashes blinked excitedly, and she turned her head eagerly at the slightest sound.

“Yinyin, the department is organizing a dinner tonight. Let’s go together.” 

Zhao Na waved her makeup brush excitedly and said, “I heard there will be students from other schools too. We might meet some handsome guys!”

She described it while twirling in front of the makeup mirror. Over the years, Zhao Na had become skilled at makeup, unlike the plain girl she was in her freshman year.

Bai Xunyin glanced at the bottles and jars in front of her and felt that cosmetics were a topic she wouldn’t be able to study in her next life.

“Forget it.” 

Bai Xunyin shook her head and smiled, refusing. “I’m not interested in dating guys.”

Zhao Na was speechless. Over the years, this sentence had almost become Bai Xunyin’s catchphrase—

Not interested in bars.

Not interested in dating.

Not interested in gossip…

In short, anything that interested normal people seemed to hold no appeal to Bai Xunyin!

Clearly she should be a stunning beauty full of youthful vigor and charm, but there was an inexplicable “old cadre” aura around her…

Zhao Na looked at her with a wry smile, “Come on, why aren’t you interested again? Come on, Yinyin, can’t you have even a little curiosity about anything other than the library and the lab?”

“…The cafeteria,” Bai Xunyin honestly replied.

Zhao Na collapsed on the ground.

She pouted and acted coquettishly, saying, “No way! You have to go! I told everyone I could bring my campus belle roommate, please, Yinyin, do me this favor.”

Bai Xunyin had been at the university for almost six years and was still the school’s belle. It was unclear whether it was because the school lacked pretty girls or the selection system hadn’t been updated…

Looking at Zhao Na’s pitiful appearance as she blinked her long eyelashes, Bai Xunyin couldn’t help but relent.

She hesitated and agreed, “Okay.”

“Yes!” 

Zhao Na jumped up in excitement, hugging Bai Xunyin’s shoulder. With a mischievous look, she whispered, “Yinyin, do you know how many guys at our school like you?”

“I haven’t researched that,” Bai Xunyin replied.

“Conservatively estimating…” Zhao Na smirked and mysteriously raised five fingers. 

“This many.”

Bai Xunyin raised an eyebrow. “Five?”

“Forget it!” 

Zhao Na exclaimed, “Five hundred!”

…

People could really exaggerate, Bai Xunyin realized.

“Don’t worry,” Zhao Na patted her chest, boldly declaring, “Sis will introduce you to the most handsome guy tonight.”

She seemed prepared for this.

Bai Xunyin smiled nonchalantly, not taking it to heart—college seemed like a natural breeding ground for romance, where young people gathered with money and leisure, why wouldn’t they date?

Bai Xunyin knew that all her roommates had boyfriends, not a single one was single, and some had even had several relationships, except her.

Despite carrying the title of “campus belle” and having a face that made people fantasize with just one look, she remained impervious in matters of love, like the most resilient shield in the world, nothing could penetrate it.

Over the years, various types of guys had expressed interest in her, showed affection towards her, and even some from outside the school… but Bai Xunyin’s conversations with them never exceeded ten sentences.

It wasn’t deliberate avoidance of relationships, but Bai Xunyin had never felt that “attraction.”

It seemed that the switch for emotions had been turned off long ago, after that “grand” event six years ago.

The switch was covered in a thick layer of dust, and no one could touch it.

Zhao Na was worried about her, worried that she, at such a young age, would become a “nun.”

So Bai Xunyin smiled and nodded, agreeing, “Sure.”

She didn’t care much about her roommates wanting to introduce boyfriends to her, as long as she saw them once, she would know if there was a connection.

And Zhao Na knew her “rules.” Knowing the situation well, she dared to introduce her, prepared to be rejected.

But Bai Xunyin didn’t expect this time… the person Zhao Na introduced was a bit different.

The two of them arrived at the dinner venue, and the spacious hall was filled with people. Zhao Na, wearing a beautiful navy blue suit, and Bai Xunyin, in her lab coat, immediately attracted many eyes.

Zhao Na felt like covering her face—she had told Bai Xunyin to change her clothes in the dorm, but Bai Xunyin said she was too lazy to change and came over like this.

Zhao Na quickly waved towards the west end of the hall and called out, “Chen Zhi, over here!”

Chen Zhi was Zhao Na’s boyfriend, also a graduate student at the university.

Bai Xunyin casually followed her gesture and glanced over, and she saw a tall, slender figure standing next to Chen Zhi, talking to him. The side profile revealed a refined and elegant smile.

Upon hearing Zhao Na’s shout, the two of them turned and walked over.

In the moment when that guy turned around, Bai Xunyin’s usually indifferent pupils gradually became serious, even a bit dazed as she watched them approach.

It was the first time she felt “attracted.”

For some reason, she felt like she had seen this guy somewhere before.

“Yinyin, this is the one I want to introduce to you, a sophomore.” Zhao Na leaned in, excitedly murmuring in her ear, “Isn’t he handsome? His name is Sheng Jianian…”

Later, whatever Zhao Na said, Bai Xunyin couldn’t quite hear.

Because as this guy named Sheng Jianian approached, Bai Xunyin’s heart felt strangely unsettled. 

This young man who hadn’t yet shed his youthful innocence… whether it was his stature, features, or demeanor, reminded her a bit of Yu Luoyin from high school.

In an instant, a flood of memories that should have been sealed rushed into her mind, and Bai Xunyin’s petite face turned pale uncontrollably.

No wonder, no wonder.

Turns out, she would only ever be attracted to guys similar to Yu Luoyin, but although Bai Xunyin was nostalgic, she couldn’t bring herself to treat him like a stand-in.