Secretly, But Unable to Hide It

Chapter 75

After returning home, Sang Zhi changed into her slippers and sat back in her previous spot.

Sang Rong and Li Ping were still in the living room but they weren’t speaking much. One was watching TV, while the other was reading a book. The only sound in the room was the cheerful noise from the TV, not much different from earlier.

Li Ping glanced at Sang Zhi and casually asked, “You’re back so soon?”

Sang Zhi grabbed a cherry tomato from the fruit plate and popped it into her mouth. She nodded as she took off her jacket. “I took him to the entrance of the community and Brother Jiaxu told me to head back.”

Li Ping nodded and didn’t ask any more questions.

Sang Zhi chewed on the fruit, her eyes darting between Sang Rong and Li Ping. She thought Duan Jiaxu had made a good impression and carefully asked, “Mom, Dad, what do you think?”

Li Ping’s gaze returned to the TV. “Think about what?”

“It’s been years since you last saw him.” Sang Zhi said softly, “Now that you’ve met and talked about so many things, have your opinion of him changed a bit?”

Sang Rong smiled. “He’s a good young man.”

Sang Zhi quickly agreed, “Yes, he’s very nice.”

“He’s indeed excellent in all aspects. Even though I didn’t see him much during his college days, I always thought he’d do well in the future.” Sang Rong’s eyes remained on his book, his voice kind, “He’s been through a lot all on his own these years. It mustn’t have been easy.”

Sang Zhi paused, lightly pressing her lips together.

Sang Rong didn’t dwell on it and suddenly changed the topic with a laugh, “I heard from your mom that the first time you met Duan Jiaxu, you cried in front of him without any shame.”

Li Ping laughed too. “You cried so much I thought something was wrong, but it turns out you were just having a spat with Ah Yan.”

As they brought this matter up, Sang Zhi felt embarrassed. “I was just a kid back then.”

“Lately, I’ve been thinking about the past. When you were little, your health wasn’t very good.” Sang Rong said, putting down his book as if reminiscing. “You were either allergic or had a fever every few days. Your mom and I were always rushing to the hospital watching you cry all the time until eventually, you didn’t even have the energy to cry anymore.”

Li Ping also turned off the TV.

“We felt awful, but there was nothing we could do. Your brother was young too and didn’t welcome your arrival. He thought after you were born, we wouldn’t care about him anymore.” Sang Rong said, smiling once again. “He even wrote in his journal that he’d rather the family raise a dog than have a little sister.”

Sang Zhi instantly felt annoyed.

Before she could say anything, Sang Rong continued, “But when you were hospitalized, he couldn’t see you for a long time and asked us about you every day. We tricked him and said we had thrown you away and he cried on the spot.”

“……Why are you suddenly bringing this up?” Sang Zhi licked her lips.

“I just find it interesting. It feels like it happened only yesterday.” Sang Rong continued, “But now, both you and your brother are almost ready to get married.”

Sang Zhi awkwardly replied, “I still have a long way to go.”

Sang Rong sighed softly. “Zhizhi, your dad isn’t a strict person. Just because our family’s situation is decent, it doesn’t mean I think we’re superior. It’s not that I believe no one is good enough for my daughter. No matter who wants to be with you, I’ll always find faults.”

“……”

“Also, it’s not that we think our Zhizhi can’t endure hardship.” Sang Rong said, “It’s just that we can’t bear to see you suffer at all. We’re constantly worried that you might have a difficult time.”

Sang Zhi felt a lump in her throat.

“And I’m just an ordinary person, with the same thoughts as every other father in the world.” Sang Rong continued, “I want my children to live a smooth and happy life.”

Sang Zhi whispered, “I know.”

“I wanted to keep this from you, but I was afraid you’d be upset if you found out later and blame us.” Sang Rong took off his glasses and murmured, “Earlier, I talked with Duan Jiaxu.”

“……” Sang Zhi froze, her lips parting slightly.

“I brought up all my concerns and said everything I thought needed to be said. Some of those words might have hurt him, but he’ll probably take them seriously and think about your future together.” Sang Rong added, “You might think it’s just dating and that you don’t need to consider so much right now. But if you two aren’t suitable, I believe……”

“……”

“It’s better to end your relationship sooner rather than later.”

The room fell into silence after those words.

Sang Zhi suddenly understood what they meant.

Maybe because they were concerned about her feelings, they hadn’t explicitly said it before, only expressing disapproval without stopping her. But what they wanted was probably for her and Duan Jiaxu to break up.

After a long pause, Sang Zhi spoke, “I am someone who really can’t endure any hardship.”

“……”

“I get upset when someone scolds me and get unhappy if I can’t eat what I want. I only do things I dislike when I absolutely have to.” Sang Zhi said softly, “So, it’s because I’m happy being with him and don’t feel any hardship that I keep saying those things in front of you.”

Li Ping patted her head without saying anything.

“I’m still in university. It’s not like dating means I have to get married right away.” Sang Zhi continued, “There’s plenty of time. I can bring him back often so you can get to know him better.”

Sang Rong looked at her and gave a serious hum.

“I’m not asking you to accept him immediately or to like him right away.” Sang Zhi sighed. “I just want you not to worry too much about his family matters because that’s something he can’t choose.”

“……”

“In other aspects, it doesn’t matter what opinions you have of him.” Sang Zhi said, “Just treat him fairly.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Sang Yan’s arrival.

Feeling a bit stifled, Sang Zhi returned to her room. She sat on the bed, lost in thought about Duan Jiaxu’s reaction and many other things.

After a while, Sang Zhi sniffed and called Duan Jiaxu.

He answered immediately, his tone as casual as usual, “What’s up?”

Sang Zhi grabbed a pillow from the bed and hugged it to her chest. Lowering her eyes, she stared at a spot in the air not knowing what to say, and remained silent.

“Why aren’t you speaking?” Duan Jiaxu’s voice was casual, “Did you accidentally dial my number?”

Sang Zhi finally spoke, “No.”

Duan Jiaxu didn’t press further, chuckling as he changed the topic, “You’ve made quite a bit as a tutor. This red envelope is as thick as a brick.”

“It’s not that exaggerated.”

“I’ll give you one next time.” Duan Jiaxu teased, “I forgot that our Zhizhi is still at the age to receive red envelopes.”

Sang Zhi wasn’t in the mood for jokes. Hearing his tone only made her feel more stifled. Without hesitation, she asked, “Did my dad say something to you today?”

The other end of the line went silent for a few seconds.

Very soon, Duan Jiaxu said, “It’s really nothing.”

“My dad already told me.” Sang Zhi didn’t know exactly what Sang Rong had said, but after a long pause, she finally blurted out, “Don’t be upset.”

“What are you thinking? Why would I be upset?” Duan Jiaxu replied, “He didn’t say anything bad, really. Your parents are great. They just expressed some concerns.”

Sang Zhi asked softly, “What did my dad say?”

“It seems your parents think I’m too old and that you’d be embarrassed to be seen with me.”

“……” Sang Zhi frowned. “Can you be serious? I’m asking you seriously.”

“Uncle and Aunt talked to me for quite a while.” Duan Jiaxu laughed. “I’m not sure which part you’re asking about.”

He clearly didn’t plan to elaborate.

Since he didn’t want to say more, Sang Zhi stopped pressing him.

She felt a bit down and spoke in a jumble of words, “Anyway, just don’t be upset. My parents mainly think of me as a kid and are afraid I’ll meet the wrong person, just like my brother…… If it were someone they didn’t know, they’d probably say even more. But what they said doesn’t represent how I feel.”

“Mm.”

“And about your father’s situation, no matter what others say, it really has nothing to do with you, so don’t mind it.” Sang Zhi wasn’t good at comforting people, so she just said everything that came to mind, “I’ll talk to them again……”

“I know.” Duan Jiaxu said, “But don’t bring it up again to them. You’re on a rare holiday, so just enjoy the time with your parents. Don’t let this affect your mood.”

“……”

“Don’t worry.” Duan Jiaxu’s voice softened to a gentle whisper, “I’ll think about it some more.”

Sang Zhi was startled and was just about to ask what he was going to think about when there was a knock on the door, followed by Sang Yan’s voice, “Mom made soup, come out and have some.”

She looked up and instinctively responded, “Okay.”

Duan Jiaxu clearly heard it too. “Go have some, don’t keep them waiting.”

Sang Zhi hesitated for a moment, unsure how to bring up the earlier conversation again. She simply repeated, “Don’t be upset.”

———pr

This translation is by Pocketrobbin at S h a n g h a i f a n t a s y . c o m

By the time Sang Zhi finished the soup, washed up, and returned to her room, quite some time had passed. She took out her phone again and opened WeChat. After hesitating for a while, she typed into her chat with Duan Jiaxu, 【What did you mean when you said you’ll think about it?】

She stared at the screen for a long time.

Sang Zhi silently deleted the message and replaced it with just two words, 【Good night.】

She turned off the light and lay down on her bed, with that sentence echoing in her mind.

——”I’ll think about it some more.”

Think about it.

Consider.

Sang Rong and Duan Jiaxu both mentioned they had concerns.

So what were those concerns?

Was it the age difference, or was it about his father?

But those were things that couldn’t be changed, so the only thing left was Duan Jiaxu’s financial situation.

But he wasn’t exactly poor, right?

Sure, he might not be able to afford a house right now, but if he works hard for a few more years, and with her working later on, that wouldn’t be a big problem, would it?

So what exactly was Duan Jiaxu considering?

It couldn’t be……

Sang Zhi forced herself to stop that thought from forming.

She stared blankly at the ceiling, her eyes stinging, suddenly feeling like she couldn’t breathe. She sat up, a layer of tears forming in her eyes, but she forced them back.

At this moment, all the resolve and determination she had wavered.

Sang Zhi had always believed that one day her parents would change their minds. In the short term, she might be troubled by not knowing what to do, but she wasn’t too worried about their lack of support.

However, she was a bit afraid of what Duan Jiaxu might be thinking.

Sang Zhi knew very well that this was something he cared about a lot.

That’s why on their first day together, he brought it up, and he’s concerned about whether she minded it. Even though he knew full well that it had nothing to do with him.

Yet he still felt humbled by it.

Those deeply ingrained thoughts were something he couldn’t change.

Sang Zhi worried that because of what Sang Rong and Li Ping said tonight, Duan Jiaxu might really start to feel that he wasn’t good enough.

That he might begin to feel pressured because of her.

That out of gratitude toward Sang Rong and considering her parents’ disapproval, he might give in.

That he might really decide not to be with her anymore.

That he might really give up.

Sang Zhi bit her lip hard. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she picked up her phone again. She wanted to talk to him, to tell him not to be sad, not to care too much about this matter.

And to not start considering whatever it was she was thinking he would think about.

At that moment, Sang Zhi felt utterly powerless and weak.

She wanted to treat him well for the rest of her life, hoping he would no longer feel sad because of what had happened in the past. She hoped he would never be hurt by it again.

But it seemed that because of her, he was hurt once more.

She slowly put down her phone.

Her mind drifted and she suddenly recalled that time.

In front of the building where Duan Jiaxu used to live, she had cautiously and earnestly expressed her feelings to him. His eyes were filled with light as he reached out to hug her, kissing her on the forehead.

Then, with deep affection, he said, “Mm, I also really like you.”

———pr

The next morning, Sang Zhi was taken by Li Ping to visit relatives. Noticing that Sang Zhi was distracted, Li Ping didn’t push her and found an excuse to let her go back.

After leaving her relatives’ house, Sang Zhi went to find Duan Jiaxu.

Since he had to go back to work on the seventh day of the lunar new year, he didn’t plan to stay long. He had already booked a flight before to return to Yihe that evening.

Duan Jiaxu’s expression remained the same as usual, as if he hadn’t been affected.

Sang Zhi reiterated a few more times, telling him not to be upset. He gave her an amused look and said, “Why are you acting like you’re coaxing a child?”

Before boarding the plane, Duan Jiaxu thought for a moment and then reassured her, saying, “Enjoy the rest of the holiday here before heading back to school.”

Sang Zhi nodded absentmindedly. “Mm.”

“You’ll be gone for quite a few months again.” Duan Jiaxu said playfully, “So don’t cry because you miss home.”

Sang Zhi stared at him, her lips moving as if she wanted to ask something. But she was afraid of getting a negative answer, so she fell silent, only nodding again.

Sang Zhi didn’t even know what she was worried about, only that she didn’t dare ask what it was he was thinking about. She was extremely cautious, feeling that as long as she didn’t ask, things would stay the same.

She felt as if she had become a pessimist.

She could only think about the worst-case scenario.

But the more she thought about it, the more Sang Zhi felt that she was just scaring herself.

If Duan Jiaxu really had those thoughts, he wouldn’t be acting like he did now.

But sometimes, thoughts change because of small, ordinary things. After Duan Jiaxu returned to Yihe, he became very busy, and their communication started to decrease.

This would usually be a normal occurrence.

It wasn’t just after the Spring Festival. Before that, Duan Jiaxu often had to work overtime and was usually busy. Sometimes when she reached out to him and he didn’t respond right away, Sang Zhi wouldn’t mind too much.

But recently, Sang Zhi couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. All her emotions were piling up like a balloon being filled with air, ready to burst at any moment.

And when she combined it with his current behavior, Sang Zhi couldn’t help but wonder if he was avoiding her.

Maybe he really was considering it.

Whether they should separate.

———pr

That night, Sang Zhi slept very restlessly.

She dreamt all night long.

She dreamt that Jiang Ying appeared in front of her again and said, “Are you two breaking up? It’s okay, Duan Jiaxu won’t be too sad. He’ll just think that it’s good if you can find someone better.”

She dreamt that she didn’t go into the kitchen to help Li Ping that day and saw Duan Jiaxu’s smile freeze the moment he heard Sang Rong’s words.

She dreamt of Duan Jiaxu self-deprecatingly saying, “I was afraid you’d mind.”

She dreamt of him smiling and saying, “I think your parents are good people. They’ve helped me so much, and I can’t let them down.”

All the images intertwined, becoming real in this illusion. Finally, Sang Zhi dreamt of that night. He didn’t accept the red envelope she gave him and quietly said, “Maybe it’s better to just forget about it.”

The next moment, Sang Zhi opened her eyes and woke up.

She clutched her chest, her mind still blank, lost in the confusion after waking from a dream. She couldn’t remember what she had just dreamt no matter how hard she tried.

But after a while, a huge sense of emptiness overwhelmed her. Sang Zhi clutched the blanket and suddenly started crying, her throat choked with sobs she couldn’t suppress. Afraid of waking Sang Rong and Li Ping in the next room, she did her best to hold it in.

Sang Zhi picked up her phone, thinking about calling Duan Jiaxu.

Noticing the time, she stopped, her vision blurred as she watched the screen gradually dim.

She didn’t know how long time had passed.

Sang Zhi wiped away her tears, resolutely turned her phone back on, and booked the next flight back to Yihe.

———pr

The earliest flight Sang Zhi could book was for 10:00 PM the next day. When she woke up, she casually gave her parents an excuse. She told them something urgent had come up at school so she had to return early.

After lunch, Sang Zhi started packing. When she saw the milk bottle on the windowsill, she paused and walked over to pick it up.

She poured out the stars inside.

Even now, Sang Zhi still remembered which star paper she used to write down her feelings at the time before putting it into the bottle.

Sang Zhi reached out and picked up two stars of the same color, placing them in her pocket.

When it was about time, Sang Rong drove her to the airport.

Sang Zhi went through security alone and waited in the departure lounge, then she hesitantly sent Duan Jiaxu a message on WeChat. After waiting for a long time, she still hadn’t received a reply.

She pressed her lips together, but in the end, didn’t tell him that she was returning to Yihe that night.

After boarding the plane and taking the aisle seat, Sang Zhi fastened her seatbelt. At that moment, she suddenly remembered the time when she was a freshman in high school and secretly flew to Yihe to find him. It was the same as now, a ticket bought at the last minute.

All the good seats had already been taken.

That wasn’t her first time flying, but it was her first time traveling so far alone.

Pretending that she wasn’t scared, pretending that she didn’t feel uneasy, pretending to be extremely brave, and not caring about the outcome as long as she could see him even once.

Sang Zhi reached into her pocket and felt the two stars she had put in there earlier. Her palm closed around them and then quickly released as if she had made a decision.

Three hours later, Sang Zhi got off the plane. She took out her phone, turned it on, and dragged her suitcase toward the exit. Just then, Duan Jiaxu called.

Sang Zhi answered.

“Zhizhi, I just heard from your brother that you’re going back to Yihe today?” Duan Jiaxu’s voice came through the phone, “Weren’t you supposed to go back on Saturday?”

Sang Zhi whispered, “Mm.”

“Are you already here?” Duan Jiaxu paused. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to,” Sang Zhi’s voice was muffled, “but you ignored me.”

“I’ve had some things going on recently and haven’t checked my phone much, I wasn’t ignoring you.” Duan Jiaxu said, “I’m at the airport, where are you?”

“By the bench near the T3 exit.”

“Mm.” Duan Jiaxu coaxed gently, “Stay there and wait for me.”

Sang Zhi sat down, took out the two stars from her pocket, and rubbed her eyes. She was determined not to cry this time.

About 5 or 6 minutes later, Sang Zhi saw Duan Jiaxu hurrying toward her.

When he reached her, Duan Jiaxu took off his coat and wrapped it around her. “You’ve been in Nanwu for so long that you’ve forgotten how cold it gets in Yihe?”

Sang Zhi just stared at him.

Duan Jiaxu’s eyebrow rose. “What’s wrong?”

Sang Zhi lowered her head and handed him the paper stars she was holding.

Seeing this, Duan Jiaxu took them. “What are these?”

They were things she had always wanted to hide.

Things she never wanted him to know.

In her eyes, it was extremely embarrassing, like she was admitting defeat.

In this relationship, Sang Zhi felt deeply inferior. She believed it was unequal, so she wanted others to think that Duan Jiaxu was the one who had invested more feelings.

She wanted him to think so too.

She hoped that he would never leave her.

“Do you remember the time I came to Yihe when I was in my first year of high school?” Sang Zhi looked up seriously. “The time I said I was coming to see someone I met online.”

“En. Why are you suddenly bringing it up?”

“The truth is, I didn’t come to meet anyone I met online.”

“……”

“I didn’t have an online crush.” Sang Zhi didn’t want to cry at all, she thought crying was too embarrassing, but as she spoke, she couldn’t help choking up. “I came to find you.”

As if he hadn’t understood her words, Duan Jiaxu squatted down in front of her. “What?”

“I heard from my brother that you were dating someone.” Sang Zhi didn’t dare look at him, forcing herself to continue speaking through her tears, “So I secretly took my ID and bought a plane ticket.”

“……”

“I didn’t fall for you after I started university and came to Yihe.” Sang Zhi wiped her tears with the back of her hand, finding it hard to continue, “I’ve been lying to you. I was afraid you’d think……”

I’m telling you everything.

It has lasted almost seven years.

From her youth to now, and even her entire future.

Sang Zhi was sure she could never like someone this much again.

For the first time, Duan Jiaxu felt utterly at a loss.

He had no idea how to react.

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he suddenly understood. He looked down and slowly unfolded the two stars in his hand, revealing the writing on them.

Childish and a bit clumsy.

——「Although I don’t want to admit it, I think I’ve really fallen for someone. 2009.11.05」

——「His name is Duan^[1]段, Jia^[2]written in English alphabet, Xu^[3]written in English alphabet. 2009.11.05」

Do you believe it?

Before I even knew which characters made up your name, I had already fallen for you.

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