Read Novel Full Chapter 572
Chapter 572: Thirty–One
“…Hhk, ngh.”
“…”
“Why…”
“Uurk, hwaaagh!”
Screeech. Creak.
“I can’t even… hhk… do this…”
“…I gave up. Again! Again!”
Thud.
“You said… hhk… it was okay if I died…”
Thud.
“…Hff, hik. Urk.”
“…”
Grind.
Creak.
“Huup! Khk.”
Thunk.
“Cough! Kek, kek! Kh–ugh… hah.”
“…Hhhng.”
“Hh, hhaaah!”
“Sob, gghk, urk, mmf… urk…”
“C–, ca, hhk, khk! Khk!”
Thump, thump.
“Agh, nn…”
“Aaahhhh! Aaahhh!”
Bang!
“…Hah, hah… I d–… don’t want to.”
It’s horri–ble. Dark.
“Uuuuugh… gghhk… cough… sob.”
…My vision. My eyes.
“Hhuuk, cough, cough.”
My breath cut off, over and over.
“…Hik, haah.”
My head was pitch black too. No thoughts, nothing at all.
“…”
My slack hand was a vague blur.
Was that my hand.
The body I was dragging along the floor felt cold.
My throat burned. Inside hurt like I’d swallowed a heated stone.
“…Ah.”
My ruined voice, my ragged breathing, leaked out.
And still, I was thirsty. Hungry.
Crazy bastard.
“…Hic, hic.”
The tips of my fingers stung. My head throbbed.
I thought, what does a little pain matter, but it still hurt.
My ragged, sawing breaths annoyed me. I wanted to make them stop, but I had no strength. Even if I had, I would have failed. I already had.
“…Pathe–tic.”
It was fake. It was going to disappear anyway. And still, I forfeited.
Off in the distance, I saw a faint light. A door. Since I’d forfeited, I was supposed to go out. But I couldn’t move a muscle.
“…Idiot. Seriously, cough, why.”
I should wish for something I can actually hope for. Now, after all this… what am I trying to cling to.
I twisted my body a little. Just because I went to the party alone and got a few compliments, so… that’s why… and then. Me too.
Because it was… sweet. Sweet.
Blankly blinking, I opened the chat window. The stream was paused, so I could only scroll through the old messages. The glow from the chat poured over my face. My eyes stung.
I scrolled the chat all the way up. It kept going like it had no end. Only after a long while did it finally stop with a little thunk.
└1
└1!
└11111111
└Taking it easy, aiming for 10th place
“…Pfft.”
A laugh slipped out, stupidly.
└Director Han looks great on camera~~!
└Yujin, let’s stop getting kidnapped T_TT_TT_T
Somehow I’d ended up getting kidnapped several times. So there were a lot of people I didn’t know at all… worrying about me.
└Han Yujin is doing better than I thought
…How could you not like comments like that. Even if you had no right to.
└I enjoyed Director Han’s monster–handling boot camp… I give it 5.0 stars
└Yujin!! Let’s work out together!
“I did work out.”
I did, but. If you asked whether I really wanted to be healthy, I wasn’t sure.
└Take care of that body, you fragile–as–fine–porcelain human T_TT_T
└Yujin, you’re the most precious, don’t get hurt
…Maybe my mind was more at ease when my body hurt and I was injured. It meant I was trying without sparing myself. That I wasn’t holding anything back on myself.
└Karma King Han Yujin… I’m still rooting for you
└Got my popcorn, Han Yujin is the best
I kept reading down.
└You said you’re not a thief, so how do you pick locks like that lolololololol
└The cops shouldn’t be cuffing Yujin, they should put a muzzle on him first
└Every path Yujin takes is the right answer
At Chatterbox’s party, I’d done well, I think. I kept playing an active role, kept winning. People had fun… and I had fun too. How could I not get excited. It felt good. I know I don’t deserve that, but it still felt good.
“…I’m happy, so what do I do.”
Even before the party. Even if I was crushed by guilt afterwards, in each and every moment, I was having fun. This was what I’d been wishing for, all that time. Just making up with Yuhyun and living together again would have been enough to make me happy, but on top of that, there were people I liked, and people who liked me, there with me.
How are you supposed to not enjoy that.
Even while I thought I shouldn’t be like this, my heart wouldn’t listen.
The chat window blurred. My chest seized up. I felt sorry toward my little brother. I suddenly hated Han Yujin.
└Yujin, do you not accept gifts? You said you don’t like sweets so I’ll leave those out! Please accept!
└Yujin, I bet you’d like Blue!!! I bet you like the color blue!!!!
└Director Han, what food do you like? Mint choco?
“…I don’t know.”
└So Yujin is weak to small and fragile things… noted
└Guess Han Yujin is a cool–tone type too, handcuffs look good on him
└Is biking your hobby? You were insanely good
I didn’t know. I’d lived without thinking about that kind of thing. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. I didn’t really have much interest in Han Yujin.
“I can’t really handle fishy stuff.”
I also couldn’t handle spicy food very well. Other than that, there wasn’t anything I particularly avoided. As for favorite foods, as long as it tasted good, anything was fine. I hadn’t had the luxury of being picky anyway.
My hobby… was picking up spam calls, I guess. Because I was lonely. Before Yuhyun ran away from home, I had hung up right away whenever those numbers called. As for hobbies I actually wanted to do for myself… I still didn’t know.
“…There wasn’t really anything I wanted to do.”
When I was a kid, I’d just scribbled something in for “dream job” and the like. After my parents died, I thought even less about myself.
Favorite color? I didn’t dislike blue. But the things I bought were usually dark. Mostly in neutral colors. Did that mean I liked them. They were safe and didn’t show stains.
Clothes, as long as they’re comfortable. And.
└Yujin, if it really doesn’t work, just flop over
└The real winner is Han Yujin anyway, that’s just how it is (sobbing))
└Yujin, great job!!! You were seriously so cool!!! You’re the best, the best, king of awesome!!!!
└Watching you made me see F–ranks in a new light! Rank really isn’t everything. You’re amazing
No words would come out. I let out a long breath.
“…Han Yujin.”
He had still lived working hard. Even if he’d thrown me aside, he’d still been living properly. People might say he lived only for his brother, but maybe that was fine.
“I’d be thirty–one.”
It had been over half a year since I regressed, so if nothing had happened, I would already be thirty–one by now.
The thirty–one–year–old Han Yujin in a world without dungeons or awakeners… I turned my head away from the chat and sprawled out flat. The ceiling above was an endless black.
“…Yuhyun would’ve gone to college.”
Around when he graduated, that Han Yujin… might naturally have started to look back at himself. Once he finished raising his little brother, he’d probably feel a bit empty. And from then on—
“Would I have thought about what I wanted to do.”
Because if it was Yuhyun, he would definitely have tried to take care of me. Saying I didn’t have to work so hard anymore. I don’t know what job my little brother would have ended up with, but whatever he did, he would have succeeded. Then he’d have tried to let me live easy.
The thirty–one–year–old Han Yujin, feeling sorry toward his brother, would slowly, gradually start to find what he liked. It’s absolutely not a late age. It’s still prime time. There are people who start a whole new path after raising not a sibling, but their own kids.
What would he have tried to do. What would he have liked.
Maybe he and Yuhyun would have gone around to cafés and famous restaurants. Seen and learned all sorts of unfamiliar things, gone on a totally ordinary first trip abroad, made new friends. With no guilt weighing him down.
But the current Han Yujin, twenty–five years old. The Han Yujin who would, before long, turn twenty–six.
“…I can’t go back.”
The Han Yujin who was, in reality, thirty–one.
That day’s events rose vividly before my eyes. Even holding my dead little brother, it hadn’t been as hard as I’d thought. Because I’d known I wouldn’t live long either. So it was okay.
Yuhyun died, but that day was my last too. I’d only been given a brief one–hour reprieve; after that, Han Yujin was a dead man walking. I was going to end soon anyway, and thanks to that, it hardly felt real.
Right after I regressed, I thought it had all been erased, and I was really okay.
“Stupidly.”
I thought everything was going to work out. Really. I honestly believed that this time, it would finally, actually be okay.
But the regressed Han Yujin wasn’t the one who’d made up with his twenty–five–year–old little brother. He was the one who’d lost his thirty–year–old brother.
The one who had lost his goal and lost his way.
The road I’d thought I was more than halfway down suddenly turned rough. The finish line had gotten farther away, but it still existed. Even if it was so far off I had to doubt I’d ever reach it, it was at least there.
But after I regressed, the road ended.
There was a new road. And for most people, that new road would have looked more hopeful.
“…So, I should be okay.”
The people precious to me were better off now.
“…That should be enough.”
I should leave behind the thirty–one–year–old Han Yujin, nailed in place before that broken road. I should be focusing more on what’s in front of me. There are how many problems pressing down on us.
I pushed myself upright. From my inventory, from the pouch Myungwoo had given me, I pulled out a lantern and turned it on. A sudden burst of painfully bright light spread out. I shut my eyes on reflex. My vision flushed red. When I carefully opened them, the first thing I saw was my wrecked hand. Blotched with smeared drops of blood. I could see the bite marks too. If it weren’t for Grace, it wouldn’t have stopped at just marks.
“They’re going to worry.”
That was my first thought. My face had to be a mess too. I should wash up. Maybe use a little potion. Even if it was bad for my body, the people who would worry about me right now weighed heavier. I didn’t really want to fuss over myself. Taking care of myself felt unfamiliar, awkward, and not all that necessary.
I pulled out a water bottle. My hand trembled a little. When I twisted the cap, I hit a cut, and the bottle slipped. Thunk. The bottle rolled away, water scattering in a spray. I just watched it.
– Peep!
A little bluebird landed on the bottle. It diligently rolled the bottle with the little bit of water left inside back toward me. The bottle bumped against my knee.
– Peeep.
“…I told you not to come out. It could be dangerous.”
– Peep! Peeep!
“…Thanks.”
I wet my throat. The remaining water disappeared quickly. I treated my hand with potion. Then I took out more water and a towel.
Dodam Monster Mounts Breeding Facility.
“Our home.”
Our home. Maybe because I’d had a drink, the dry corners of my eyes turned damp again.
“I still like it.”
That much, I couldn’t help. Unless I dug my heart out completely and smashed it to pieces, I couldn’t help but love the people who liked me and loved me. There was no way the time I spent with them could not be fun.
Even if Han Yujin crumbled a little at a time, even if he shattered into pieces, as long as even a single shard of my heart remained. I couldn’t help but love them. How could I not.
I soaked the towel and wiped my face. Could I use potion to get rid of the redness around my eyes too. I might have bitten my lip. It stung. A mirror… there were four mirrors in my inventory. Yerim had given me one, saying checking your own condition was the basics of streaming. Yuhyun saw that and bought one too, and Hyunah got one separately, and then Seong Hyunjae also picked one out.
I took out the one Yerim had given me. It was a folding rectangular mirror you could stand up, with writing and heart stickers on it.
[Han Yujin is more handsome than Han Yuhyun!!!]
The me in the mirror smiled weakly. I took out the mirror Yuhyun had given me and set it beside it.
[I love you, hyung]
Yerim had teased, asking if that was the only thing he knew how to say. Then she’d asked if being hopelessly un–creative ran in the family, and quickly checked my expression. It had been fun.
After checking my condition, I put the mirrors away. I turned off the lantern too. I stood up. The chat window I’d left open rose up with me. I looked at it for a moment, then turned the stream back on. In the dark room, my face would only be faintly lit by the glow from the chat, barely visible.
└Stream!
└I heard HYJ forfeited?
└Who’d you fight????
“Ah, um. I ended up losing.”
I spoke as casually as I could. I tried to add a bit of a laugh and keep my voice light.
└That happens!!!!
└Called it, an F–rank’s still an F–rank
└How many S–ranks has that F–rank wrecked again
└Here come the F–rank haters again, in a 1v1 even S–ranks would lose half the time in that matchup, look at his win rate
└You did great, Yujin! The match was unfair 11111111
“Hon–, ahem, honestly, I could have won. I mean it.”
└Of course! Director Han is the best!
└He’s already won several times lol anyone talking crap can go watch the rerun
└Yujin, marry me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
└Good call forfeiting, gotta take care of your body, love you SF!!!!!!!
“…Thank you.”
The chat was like this, but outside, they’d— I shook the thought off. I said goodbye to the viewers and ended the stream. The faint light that had been shining on me disappeared.
Even so, I liked it, even so, I had fun, even so, I was happy… even so, I wanted to be acknowledged, even so, I wanted to live. And yet.
“It’s no good. Not yet.”
And yet, I. The me five years from now, who would once again be thirty, thirty–one, what would he be like. For the first time, I grew just a little curious about another thirty–one–year–old version of me.
Even though just having that thought felt disgusting.
“…Just a little. Just a tiny bit.”
I still would never put myself first. Even now, I was getting ready to act like nothing was wrong. Smoothing down my face, clearing my throat, I looked at the door a little ways off.
I forfeited. I’m fine. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.
Even if I pretended I was fine, the hands and voices that came to worry over me and welcome me back would be warm.
“Guess life’s… not that bad.”
Before leaving, I looked back. I tried to find the spot where I’d been standing, the place where I’d disappeared, but in the darkness, I couldn’t see it.