The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System

Extra: Humdrum Tales of Honeymoon

After harboring the devil incarnate in Qing Jing Peak for almost two weeks, the disciples finally broke down from the harassment. They begged for Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu to take Luo Binghe away and “go underground,” so to speak.

Ning Yingying lamented, “Shizun, I hate Bai Zhan Peak. I hate them hate them hate them! Those brutes trampled all over our mountain gates, destroying them time and time again!”

Ming Fan was also teary. “Shizun… I didn’t say anything this time, I swear! You’ve got to believe me!” Glancing trepidatiously at Luo Binghe, he suggested, “Why don’t you release Luo-shidi to spar with them? They’ll leave Qing Jing Peak alone once they’ve had their fill!”

“I don’t even get enough time to discuss proper matters with Shizun, much less to spar with those wild monkeys,” Luo Binghe retorted, cold and unmoved.

Shen Qingqiu shook his folding fan in a poised manner and offered no comment.

So your so-called “discussing proper matters” involve studying new recipes, cleaning the utensils and furniture in the bamboo dwelling, and to be cute and horny regardless of time and place, huh…

Ming Fan wailed pitifully in snot and tears, “Shizun… have a conscience…An Ding Peak is no longer willing to fix the mountain gates for us. We disciples have to travel a few hundred miles down the mountain and fix it out of our own pockets —”

Shen Qingqiu was beyond annoyed by his wailing.

At last, he felt generous and did a good thing for once. In Ming Fan’s utmost gratefulness and Ning Yingying’s reluctance to part, he took Luo Binghe and departed Qing Jing Peak.

Shen Qingqiu was bummed out.

What has the world come to?!

Shidi L has allowed his underling minions (… …) to wreak havoc at the doorstep of Shixiong S, and refused to compensate after the fight;

Shixiong S suffered monetary losses and requested some funds from Shidi X from a particular department, only to be turned down;

Not only does Disciple M lack the selfless spirit to contribute to the collective, but he also tries to shoo his Master down the mountains.

Atrocious!

Luo Binghe, on the other hand, seemed really happy. Any destination was fine so long as he could stick with Shen Qingqiu. In fact, he felt more content without those eyesores buzzing around them all day long.

He linked arms with Shen Qingqiu and chirped delightfully, “Shizun, where are we going next?”

Shen Qingqiu looked down at the way they linked arms. He could almost not bear to look at Luo Binghe’s peculiar pose.

His… shoujo vibes just went off the roof.

They look like two young girls linking arms to pluck mushrooms together. ╭(′▽’)╭(′▽’)╯

Shen Qingqiu almost knocked himself out with that sudden burst of cringeyness. Instead, he returned the question, “Do you have anywhere in mind?”

Luo Binghe deliberated, “Why don’t we visit places we’ve been, and see how they have changed?”

And so, Shuanghu City became their first stop after being “chased out” of Cang Qiong Sect.

They could have reached it within five minutes by riding a sword. However, Luo Binghe seemed to think otherwise and insisted on riding a horse carriage.

So be it, it’s not like Shen Qingqiu cared either way. As soon as they got into the carriage though, Luo Binghe kept staring at him with an expectant and shy look in his eyes (that he thought he hid well).

There wasn’t much room in the carriage, and so there was nowhere to run. Shen Qingqiu felt goosebumps at his burning gaze.

Is…is this a hint for some kind of play…?

Save your thought. Master will never agree to this!

Atrocious!

Luo Binghe stared at him for quite some time. Upon seeing that he had no special comment, he realized that he didn’t have the same revelation. His eyes slowly turned downcast.

He shyly twiddled his finger and asked with a little disappointment, “Doesn’t…Shizun remember?”

These days, Shen Qingqiu realized that he could start almost every inner thought with six dots.

He said, “Remember? Remember what?”

Luo Binghe was crestfallen. “…that back when Shizun brought the disciples of the Qing Jing Peak down the mountain for experience, you had allowed me to ride in your carriage…”

To think that Luo Binghe remembered something so long ago, and that clearly too!

Meanwhile, Shen Qingqiu had forgotten most of them.

Luo Binghe sighed. “So you forgot.”

Even Shen Qingqiu felt guilty at the difference. He waved for Luo Binghe to scoot over, and rubbed his face as sweet consolation, “It slipped my mind. I’m sorry.”

Luo Binghe was satisfied with that. He smiled prettily and said, “Ehn. Shizun’s kindness to me extends far more than that. It’s only natural that you’d forget some.”

… …

Don’t embellish him in his mind to be that saintly and kind, all right? He simply forgot. This angelic halo was too massive to bear!

City Gate Main Street, Shuanghu City.

The two men wandered along the street leisurely. Amongst the myriad of stalls lined along the sides of the road, a frivolous flag swayed in the wind.

It first caught the eye of Shen Qingqiu, who then shifted his gaze down to see the face of the stall owner. His usual “fleeting and half-hidden, seemingly refined and kind but is actually cold and distant” smile froze for a second.

Luo Binghe, sensitive as ever, immediately responded, “Shizun, did you see someone familiar?”

Under the flag was a table surrounded by heads bobbing up and down. It looked like a fortune-telling stall put up by a fortune-teller; behind the desk sat a beautiful and well-endowed woman. She flipped her hair charmingly and raised her graceful head, then saw Shen Qingqiu in the distance. When their eyes met, her relaxed expression crashed as if she had just swallowed poison.

However, as her gaze drifted to Luo Binghe’s face, her passion for this sort of visuals immediately overtook everything. Her eyes shone like the sun as she stepped up and greeted, “Immortal Master, how have you been!”

Shen Qingqiu replied, “Long time no see. I see that Madam is more beautiful than ever.”

The beautiful lady was none other than Madam Meiyin.

She dispersed the smitten male clients in front of the desk and made space. She asked merrily, “Immortal Master, it looks like spring has come for you. How was it? Did my predictions come true one by one?”

Luo Binghe winked and laughed. “Shizun, it looks like you’re quite well-acquainted with this lady.”

Luo Binghe might be smiling, but Shen Qingqiu could feel sourness creep up his jaws.

Then again, Luo Binghe and Madam Meiyin should be an easy pair who should’ve spent countless sleazy nights together. Now, they are facing off from two opposing sides of the table, throwing jabs at each other, each saying their own thing while maintaining a straight face. This scene is indeed…quite uncanny.

He laughed dryly. “Just a little, just a little. Years have passed since we parted; I didn’t expect Madam to run this sort of business in Shuanghu City when we met again.”

Madam Meiyin scoffed. “All thanks to that Immortal Master who was with you when you visited.”

Luo Binghe suddenly interrupted, “Which Immortal Master?”

Shen Qingqiu’s smile froze for a second time.

Madam Meiyin was sore. “Pardon me for speaking ill of someone behind their back. Was I any less welcoming or warm to the both of you back then? Yet that Immortal Master thought none of it; he shattered half of my cave the moment he arrived, then scared off most of my sisters. The few times that we met again, he spared no consideration for our past connections. I have had quite a fair share of experiences, but I have never met a man that unappreciative and ungentlemanly. All he knows is to fight and fight and fight! Ptui!”

You’ve been spat on, Liu Qingge. You’ve actually been spat on!

Who else would do something as violent as this? Luo Binghe understood at once. He looked at Shen Qingqiu, “Shizun, is it, Liu…shishu? When did you two leave the mountain all by yourselves?”

Seeing that veins were popping in his forehead, Shen Qingqiu coughed dryly, “It was during the period when you were… not around.”

Luo Binghe squeezed his palm forcefully. “Shizun, could you enlighten me about what you and Liu…shishu did, all alone together with a gorgeous Succubus?”

Shen Qingqiu was well-practiced in appeasing him. Just follow these steps:

Earnestly say, “Not as gorgeous as you.”

In front of Madam Meiyin’s twitching smile, assure him again, “We truly did nothing.”

If he’s still mad, repeat the steps above.

Madam Meiyin, who tried to fan the flames, added artfully, “Although I scattered a handful of Succubus Scent on him, I guess it must be no big deal for someone as frigid as him.”

You could tell what “Succubus Scent” was just by its name.

The medicine of Spring!

Luo Binghe’s reaction was drastic. ” ‘Did nothing’?”

…We did nothing, I swear to god!

Did not even help him with my hand!

Back on that day, upon confirming that Shen Qingqiu had fallen for the Succubi’s antics, Shen Qingqiu made a split-second decision.

He said, “Liu-shidi, all the best. Shixiong has something on and shall now take his leave!”

Liu Qingge grabbed him by his back collar and growled, “All the best for what?! What do you have on?!”

Shen Qingqiu turned around and was shocked at the sight.

If Liu Qingge was flushed pink a moment ago, the current him was as red as the fiery clouds during sunset. He was so red and breathless that it would shock anybody.

He quickly said, “Don’t be rash! Liu-shidi, keep calm! Stay here and meditate; I’ll release Master Huang and the others and come back to fetch you later. Don’t worry. I’ll definitely not return during this period. You can do anything you want, and nobody would know.”

He tried to flee right afterward, but Liu Qingge’s steel-like grip held him in place by the shoulder. “Why are you running!”

Why was this bastard suddenly so clingy?!

Liu-shidi, Peak Lord Liu, bruh! I’m trying to give you some personal space here for you to settle your ‘issues’!

Don’t tell me that you can’t even understand my hints!

You’ve wasted the many years that you’ve been living!

Did your core form in your brain instead?!

Liu Qingge sneered, “Let me beat you up. It’ll really help if I could vent my anger!”

This wasn’t something you can resolve with a good beating. Shen Qingqiu dead-panned, “Shidi, why are you so worked up? Don’t be controlled by the Succubus poison.”

Liu Qingge’s face went red, then pale, then red again, like there was something about to burst within him, but he was clueless on how to resolve it. He grabbed Shen Qingqiu helplessly and blankly, refusing to let go.

Shen Qingqiu looked at that pitiful man and thought that maybe growing up in that violent environment of Bai Zhan Peak, where everybody seemed to be immersed in the tradition of cultivation and gang fights, could really make Liu Qingge so retarded that he didn’t know how to do it with his hand. He was immediately sympathetic.

Shen Qingqiu was a professional in coaxing. Calm and cool-headed, he enticed, “Liu-shidi, come over here. Do you still remember how we met?”

The original text, of course, did not write in detail about how these two cannon fodders came to be at loggerheads. Shen Qingqiu only said that to distract him.

In normal circumstances, Liu Qingge would never fall for his words that easily. However, now that he was holding onto him, his spinning head was barely holding on to clarity. He gritted his teeth as he walked, “I remember, we fought during the Twelve Peaks Swords Sparring Contest!”

Shen Qingqiu, “…”

So our friendship was born out of the exchange of blows.

Don’t tell him that it was that Liu Qingge thoroughly enjoyed beating him up back then, and so he requested him to stay and let him beat him up to vent his anger?

Shen Qingqiu replied with an “Oh” and led him deeper into the cave. He asked again, “So did I return the beating?”

Liu Qingge was feverish, yet he didn’t forget to snort arrogantly before replying, “Hmph, how’s that possible.”

Very well.

Shen Qingqiu patted his shoulder, “Then, today’s the day I return that favor.”

And then…

…he kicked Liu Qingge into a bathing pool filled with rose petals.

The splash he made when falling in was so big that even Shen Qingqiu was drenched from head to toe, despite having covered his face with the folding fan in advance.

Submerging Liu Qingge in this kind of temperature should cure him of the spring medicine immediately. He kneeled on a single knee by the poolside and continued to cover his face. He asked reservedly, “Liu-shidi, how about now? How do you feel?”

He heard no response; Liu Qingge had not even let out a single stream of bubbles after he sank in. Could it be that he didn’t know how to swim? That couldn’t be. Or that he passed out from the fever? Did he survive the spirit caves only to drown here?

The more he thought about it, the more he felt that he might have killed him. Shen Qingqiu quickly leaned in, “Liu-shidi? Liu-shidi!”

Rose petals covered the water surface entirely. He could not see what was happening under, and so he could only lean in more. Suddenly, he felt something close around his ankle and drag him into the rose bath.

Shen Qingqiu went green at the freezing water streaming in from all directions as he suddenly fell into the ice-cold bath. After much struggling, he finally got to the poolside and turned around, only to see an expressionless Liu Qingge floating behind him, all wet. He even had a few rose petals on his hair.

Shen Qingqiu explained, “Liu-shidi, you shouldn’t have done that. I made you go into the pool to rid you of the Succubus Scent. What have I done to deserve this?”

Liu Qingge replied, “Didn’t you ask me how I felt? How you feel right now is the same as mine.”

Shen Qingqiu, “… …me?!!!”

His line of thought was clear, and his clapbacks were as strong as ever. It looked like he was fine now.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

Madam Meiyin bit her nail and seethed, “My rose bath…”

Chen Estate.

Since they’ve come to Shuanghu City, they ought to find something to do. Such as eradicating evil for the people.

After asking the locals, they found out with some surprise that it was the Chen Estate who had strange happenings yet again.

The ferocious Skinner hid in the estate as Butterfly, Old Master Chen’s beloved concubine. After being struck to death, the room that she used to live in had never been peaceful since. Every night, people could hear howling and screeching from her chamber, scaring them out of their wits. It was something that was never resolved even after all these years.

Old Master Chen was nearing 70 years old. As white as his hair may be, his heart remained young. A few years back, the only concubine beside him was Butterfly; today, he had one on each side. The fact that the Skinner once infiltrated his family had not diminished his surging yearning for women, not even the slightest.

The Old Master may be getting on years, but he still had a good memory. He still knew to call “Master Shen” when he saw Shen Qingqiu.

“Master Shen’s” aloofness had not changed over the years. A slight smile finally graced his lips when asked about the young man beside him. He said politely, “This is my young disciple back then.”

Old Master Chen laughed. “No wonder he looked familiar. Now that I see Immortal Master and your beloved disciple, I suddenly realize just how many years had passed since.”

Some small talk later, the matter was eventually passed to his ever dutiful and diligent secretary Luo Binghe. Shen Qingqiu was more than happy to stand aside and keep up with his otherworldly appearance.

Seeing Lord of the Demon World Luo Binghe compliant and patient like a well-fitting cottonwear, Shen Qingqiu can’t help but feel lightheaded and soft. His gaze towards him became kind and fatherly. As for Luo Binghe, he would turn to look at him every other sentence. Once he did that, he couldn’t take back his gaze anymore. And so, the mentor and disciple began to throw “flirtatious looks” at each other in front of outsiders…

Shen Qingqiu suddenly snapped out of it.

How indecent!

On the way to the chamber, Luo Binghe kept trying to hold his hand. Shen Qingqiu had never been the one to show affection publicly, and also, he was in the mood to tease him, and so he consistently denied him. They used all sorts of skills and techniques to play cat and mouse; if any cultivator or someone from the demon world saw how this pair of mentor and student were fight…no, flirting with their sect’s arts, fish or fowl, they were sure to vomit blood.

No one dared to go near the chamber rumored to be haunted. It was, therefore, quiet and abandoned. Luo Binghe immediately stuck to him once he saw that no one was around. He hugged his waist from behind in a dilly dally manner and lodged his chin on his shoulder. He complained woefully, “Shizun, my heart’s really upset right now.”

The yard was still the same. It didn’t change one bit, just that the yin ambiance has become more oppressive. Shen Qingqiu examined the surroundings as he listened to Luo Binghe’s complaints. He hummed, signifying that he has heard him.

Ever since they got together (… …), Luo Binghe would get upset tens of times in a day. He got upset when Shen Qingqiu spoke a little more to others, or when he took two fewer bites of food, and even when he told him to get out of the bathtub as it was too squeezy…him being upset was like eating broad beans. Crack, it’s out. Crack, it’s gone.

“While I was fighting for my life in the Endless Abyss, Shizun was in a scenic place, lingering in a rose bath with another man…”

What the heck was with “another man”! Can’t you call him my colleague or sect mate?

Also, what’s up with “lingering in a rose bath”. A person kicked another person into an icy pool in the middle of a haunting wilderness, and both fell ill from the cold afterward. Why are you, like, envious?!

Just as his inner roasting demon was about to go online, Luo Binghe suddenly said softly, “Shizun, do you still remember what happened here?”

Of course!

It was the place where he first used Easy Mode!

…Okay, he was joking.

How could he forget? This was where he first sabotaged Luo Binghe.

At that time, he almost let the Skinner smash the crown of Luo Binghe’s head. It was his fault for allowing that to happen. He still felt a chill down his spine whenever he thought about it, and so he avoided delving deeply into the matter.

Standing at the old “crime scene”, Shen Qingqiu got guilty and felt his heart go tender. The inner roasting demon withered before it could appear. He reached out and patted Luo Binghe’s cheeks. “Stop throwing a tantrum. I’ll agree to one request of yours today. We’ll talk about this after we exterminate this evil spirit.”

Luo Binghe was overjoyed. “Really?”

“When has your Shizun ever…” Shen Qingqiu shut up before he could finish, successfully avoiding the tragedy of smacking himself in the face.

Ever deceived you? Ever sabotaged you? No matter what he said, it would be unbecoming.

Conclusion: Humans should never do things that go against their conscience.

“Since Shizun said that…” Luo Binghe flushed a lovely pink as he took out a red rope.

Hello, Immortal-Binding Cables; goodbye, Immortal-Binding Cables.

Luo Binghe didn’t insist when he saw the inexplicable expression on Shen Qingqiu’s face. He sighed and glanced at the sky wistfully. “Back when I escaped the perils of the Skinner, for some reason, I would have these strange dreams for quite some nights.”

Umm, what do you mean by strange dreams? The type where you have to wash your underwear after you wake up?

How sinful. So he was Luo Binghe’s mentor in s*xual enlightenment. The enlightener was often significant to a person’s life, even if the other party wasn’t a voluptuous older woman, it should at least be a petite and docile girl-next-door. Luo Bing’s life was genuinely indescribably tragic. To think that his s*xual enlightener was a man…allow him to shed a tear of sympathy!

However, he will not succumb no matter how much his heart goes out to him. Although his sense of decency was almost worn down by Luo Binghe, a crumb of decency picked up was a crumb of decency recovered. More importantly, shouldn’t you focus on the task on hand first? There’s a cloud of black mist gathering behind you. It’s coming out…it’s out!

Luo Binghe rambled on worriedly like he didn’t sense anything, “Till today, I’m still constantly bothered by that dream.”

If Shen Qingqiu still believed him before, he was now convinced that what Luo Binghe said was all just a blatant lie. The Luo Binghe, who controlled dream realms like second nature, would be “bothered” by a dream? He was refreshingly candid in his shamelessness. Shen Qingqiu put his hand on his sword Xiu Ya and mocked, “So?”

Luo Binghe didn’t turn at all, “So, I… “

That black mist could not take it any longer. It roared, ” I &*%￥#@&! Are you guys blind?! I’m right here!!!”

What a familiar voice. Shen Qingqiu asked, “Butterfly?”

The black mist scowled, “I’m not Butterfly or Flower or anything like that! I am myself, the Skinner who used to terrorize the area!”

Shen Qingqiu was speechless. Wasn’t this the small monster that he killed with a strike?… So that was the rumored evil spirit. It did not forget its duty to disturb the people be it in life or death — what a conscientious hard-worker.

The black mist puffed a whiff of black smoke, which Shen Qingqiu assumed was equivalent to spitting. It growled, “How dare you shameless men act all lovey-dovey in front of me! You have no idea that you’re about to die!”

Luo Binghe frowned and asked Shen Qingqiu, “Shizun, do we kill it straight away, or do we detain it for further questioning?”

Shen Qingqiu wanted to see just how stupid it can be, and so he gestured Luo Binghe not to do anything. “Hmm?” The black mist drifted nearer to Shen Qingqiu. “You look a little familiar.”

Of course, he looked familiar. Your killer stands right in front of you and yet you’re just a little uncertain that he “looked a little familiar”? How many years has it been, ten? Under the influence of the Easy Mode, not only did Butterfly’s IQ not improve, but its memory had also deteriorated.

Shen Qingqiu coughed, and reminded, “I am Shen, the Peak Lord of the Qing Jing Peak.”

“…”

The black mist flew into a rage. “Shen Qingqiu! It’s you!!! Who is he then?!”

“You know him too,” She Qingqiu replied. “He was there.”

The black mist pondered long and hard, and finally recalled, “You’re that little rascal! His disciple!”

“Hahahahahahaha!” Butterfly laughed hysterically. “Shen Qingqiu! What goes around, comes around, and no one escapes from karma! To think that you have been…by your disciple, heheh. How immoral! How shameful! I knew that someone would enforce justice on behalf of the heavens!”

Shen Qingqiu, “…” Wait a minute. You are a demon who committed countless evil, gotten its retribution, and was killed with a single strike. It’s not very appropriate for you to say things like “what goes around, comes around, and no one escapes from karma”, no?

It laughed and laughed, and suddenly, a strange phenomenon happened. Like a whiff of chimney smoke broke apart by a gust of wind, the black mist began to dissipate. Hanging by its last strands, it was still sighing in satisfaction. “This is retribution, retribution! Shen Qingqiu, you’ve finally gotten your retribution. Good riddance! I… I can die without any regrets now.”

…Did it attain enlightenment? Rise to the heavens? Find peace?

Wasn’t the requirements for it to “die without regrets” a little too low… and also, even if Luo Binghe was indeed troublesome, he’s not to the degree of being his “retribution”!

The yin ambiance in the yard quickly faded. Luo Binghe asked, “Shizun, shall we continue?”

Shen Qingqiu twitched. Looking at the Luo Binghe still holding onto the Immortal-Binding Cables, he was stumped. “…Continue with what?”

Luo Binghe was expectant. “Didn’t Shizun say that you’ll agree to a request of mine? So, my humble request is…could the kind Shizun offer a tiny bit of cooperation and allow this disciple to lightly, very lightly, tie him up with this Immortal-Binding Cable, and then do… Ahem, it once? If he could make this dream come true, fulfilling this wish of mine I had for years, I could…die without regrets!”

… …

Although Butterfly had peacefully risen to the heavens in bewildering self-satisfaction, Shen Qingqiu felt that it was not yet time to put Xiu Ya sword away.

He walked out without any expression. Luo Binghe stopped him, “Shizun, you promised.”

Shen Qingqiu coldly pushed his weepy face away.

Luo Binghe accused, “Shizun, you’re always doing that to me.”

Retract your tears. They won’t work anymore! You’re embarrassing me outside!

Ahh, as he thought. To this little rascal, any empathy or softening of heart is unnecessary.

He’ll take back his words. Luo Binghe was truly, TRULY, his retribution!