Secretly, But Unable to Hide It

Chapter 38

Perhaps it was because of what had happened that day, but that night, Duan Jiaxu had a dream.

He dreamt about the day he received the admission letter from Nanwu University. The week before he was about to report to the school, his mother, Xu Ruoshu, prepared the money for his tuition, only for it to be taken away by those so-called ‘creditors’.

He dreamt of that night.

Their house had long been sold and they were renting a one-bedroom apartment. Xu Ruoshu slept in the bedroom while he slept in the living room.

During the summer, Duan Jiaxu took on several tutoring and part-time jobs, returning home late every day.

That night, when he returned home, he heard Xu Ruoshu on the phone.

She was talking to his uncle^[1]father’s elder brother, the person whom his mother always turned to for help as she was raising him alone.

The landline phone was in the living room.

Duan Jiaxu saw Xu Ruoshu dial the number, greet the person on the other end, and then, smiling, slowly say, “Big Brother, my Ah Xu got into Nanwu University.”

After saying that, she fell silent, as if finding it difficult to continue, and didn’t speak again.

But all the words she wanted to say seemed to spill out from that one sentence, unable to be hidden.

Nanwu University is such a good university.

Could you lend me a few thousand yuan?

The next moment, his uncle’s angry voice came through the phone. The poor quality of the receiver made the noise loud and harsh, spreading throughout the living room, “Do you have any shame?! Are you the only one struggling? What obligation do I have to help you? I have children to raise too! I have my own life to live! Always borrowing money! Damn it, get lost!”

Duan Jiaxu immediately walked over, took the phone from her hand, and hung up.

The room fell silent.

Xu Ruoshu stood there dazed for a long while, then suddenly covered her eyes and started crying, muttering repeatedly, “Mom is sorry…… Mom is sorry……”

Before middle school, Duan Jiaxu had never lacked money.

That was why he never thought money was that important.

But when the harsh reality pressed down, he realized that money could drastically change a person in just a few years.

Duan Jiaxu watched his once bright and confident mother gradually be crushed by these problems, becoming timid and self-abasing. Under the stress, she fell seriously ill and aged rapidly.

And Duan Jiaxu saw everything.

His just-turned-adult self crouched in front of Xu Ruoshu, looking up at her. He curved his lips into a smile and said, “Mom, do you believe me? I can earn all that money back.”

“……”

“You don’t need to borrow money from others anymore. I will earn it myself, and I will take care of you.” The young man said gently, “I can bring back the good days for you.”

“……”

So…… can you wait a little longer?

Duan Jiaxu woke up from the dream.

It was still dark, the room pitch black. He couldn’t fall back asleep, so he got up, went to the living room, and poured himself a glass of water, adding a couple of ice cubes from the fridge.

It was just past three in the morning.

Duan Jiaxu stood by the dining table and glanced at his phone. Besides the muted group chats, there was only Qian Fei going crazy.

【Qian Fei: Brothers!】

【Qian Fei: I’m getting married!】

【Qian Fei: Hahahahahaha!】

【Qian Fei: I proposed!!!! And she said yes!!!!!!!!!!】

It was accompanied by a string of emojis.

【Qian Fei: I’m so excited I can’t sleep, I had to tell you, guys, hahahahaha!】

【Qian Fei: Are you all asleep???】

Duan Jiaxu replied with one word, 【No.】

The next moment, his phone rang. Qian Fei was calling him.

Duan Jiaxu raised an eyebrow, took his cup back to the sofa, and answered.

“Old Xu, why are you still awake at this hour?” Qian Fei’s loud voice came through, “You don’t even have a sex life.”

Duan Jiaxu chuckled and slowly replied, “I’m hanging up.”

“………” Qian Fei said, “Wait. I haven’t even started talking! Do you know how I proposed? It’s New Year’s Eve today, right?……”

Duan Jiaxu leaned back in his chair, silently listening.

After a while, Qian Fei finished sharing his story, still excited. “How about that? Pretty cool, right?”

“Mm.”

“Why are you so quiet tonight?”

“Hmm? Maybe because you’re getting married.” Duan Jiaxu said nonchalantly, “It’s a bit sad, you used to say we’d make do together.”

“……” Qian Fei said, “Can you stop grossing me out? I was drunk when I said that, how long are you going to remember it?”

Duan Jiaxu stopped joking and smiled. “Alright. Congrats, Bro.”

“Hey, by the way.” The soon-to-be-married man suddenly took on a matchmaker tone, grinning, “Did you go on that blind date you mentioned last time?”

“I just mentioned it casually.” Duan Jiaxu’s tone was lazy, “How many people did you tell about it?”

“No, seriously, how can you still not find anyone?” Qian Fei suggested, “Why don’t you come to Nanwu? So many girls like you here. I’ll arrange blind dates for you and you can date as many as you want.”

Duan Jiaxu laughed lightly. “Spare me.”

“If I looked like you, I’d change girlfriends every day.”

“Aren’t you afraid your fiancée will hear you?”

“She’s not here right now.” Qian Fei continued, “Seriously though, even if it’s not the right person, you can’t tell me there’s no one you like.”

Duan Jiaxu hummed in response.

Qian Fei was surprised. “Not liking, just having a good impression, do you have someone like that?”

Hearing his question, Duan Jiaxu fell silent.

This was almost like admitting it and Qian Fei immediately said, “Damn, there’s someone.”

“……”

“Who is it?”

Duan Jiaxu lied, “You don’t know her, she’s a bit young.”

“How young?” Qian Fei asked, “It can’t be someone not born yet, right?”

He chuckled. “Not that young.”

“If she’s of age and you don’t dare to pursue her, then I will look down on you.”

“Are you done being excited? Time to sleep, ‘married’ man.” Duan Jiaxu said flatly, not wanting to continue the topic.

“But you’re not done talking!”

“Goodnight.”

Duan Jiaxu hung up the phone.

After finishing his water, he walked to the TV cabinet to pick up the photo of him and Sang Zhi and took it back to his room, placing it on the nightstand.

Duan Jiaxu stared at it for a few seconds.

No matter how he looked, she still seemed like a child.

What was he thinking?

He had probably been single for too long.

Duan Jiaxu sighed, tapped the photo lightly with his finger, and slowly uttered two words as if reminding himself.

“Little friend.”

———pr

This translation is by Pocketrobbin at S h a n g h a i f a n t a s y . c o m

Sang Zhi felt that Duan Jiaxu acted a bit strange that night. Thinking back, she worried she had reacted inappropriately.

But then she thought, if he knew her thoughts, his reaction probably wouldn’t have been like that.

After New Year’s Day, when Sang Zhi thought about it again, she asked Duan Jiaxu on WeChat if that woman had gone to find him again. She felt relieved when he said no.

She didn’t dwell on it anymore and focused on preparing for her exams.

It would end on the 20th.

Sang Zhi had booked a flight for noon on the 21st, planning to take a taxi and then catch the shuttle bus nearby.

She was the first one in her dormitory to be going home.

The four of them had agreed earlier to go out together one night before everyone went home. So after their exams, they didn’t return to the dorm but went straight to a Japanese restaurant off-campus for dinner.

After eating, Yu Xin suggested, “There’s a new bar nearby. Shall we go check it out?”

Ning Wei blinked. “Can I bring my boyfriend?”

Yu Xin answerd, “Sure.”

Wang Ruolan chimed in, “Then I want to invite my crush too!”

There were several bars nearby, mostly frequented by students, and occasionally, they ran into people they knew. One of the bar owners was even an alumnus.

Sang Zhi had been to one with her department once and had no objections.

Yu Xin asked, “Hey, Ruolan, have you gotten your guy yet?”

“Almost.” Wang Ruolan typed on her phone, smiling, “I feel like he’s interested too. He even mentioned taking a car home together.”

Sang Zhi sipped her water.

“Actually, I have a crush on a guy who plays guitar at that bar. You should be able to see him when we go.” Yu Xin said, resting her chin on her hand. She continued hesitantly, “I feel like, as long as one isn’t ugly, a girl can always catch a guy if she pursues him.”

Upon hearing that, Sang Zhi’s actions paused.

Yu Xin looked at her phone to check her reflection, narcissistically saying, “If I pursue him, I should succeed, right? I think I’m quite pretty.”

The other two cheered her on.

Sang Zhi picked up her chopsticks and ate the last piece of sushi on the table.

Ning Wei turned and noticed Sang Zhi’s silence, asking instinctively, “Hey, Sangsang, are you feeling down? Why aren’t you talking?”

“No.” Sang Zhi snapped out of it and smiled. “I’m just listening to you guys.”

———pr

Maybe because it was new, the bar wasn’t as noisy as Sang Zhi had imagined.

Ning Wei called her boyfriend over. Then, her boyfriend also brought Jiang Ming. Almost everyone else was paired up, so Jiang Ming naturally sat next to Sang Zhi.

Sang Zhi had never spoken to him face-to-face before. Their communication had always been through WeChat. She glanced at the other party, not feeling awkward but also not initiating conversation.

Jiang Ming had a handsome face, single eyelids, and well-defined features. He was tall and thin, with a bright, sunny smile.

The group started playing dice.

Sang Zhi didn’t know how to play, so she didn’t join in, instead playing with her phone alone. She felt inexplicably down and remained mostly silent, just sipping her drink.

It was pretty strong but with a hint of sweetness.

Sang Zhi found the taste a bit odd, not quite to her liking. However, she didn’t want to waste it since she had already ordered it, so she reluctantly drank it.

Jiang Ming stopped playing and leaned in to talk to her. He pointed to her drink and reminded her, “That drink has a high alcohol content. Can you handle it?”

“Really?” Sang Zhi paused, touching her face. “Then I won’t drink it anymore.”

Jiang Ming brought over another drink. “Have this one instead.”

Sang Zhi, belatedly feeling a bit dizzy, shook her head and whispered, “No, thanks. You drink it.”

Jiang Ming didn’t insist. “Do you want some water?”

“No, thanks.”

Sang Zhi looked around, planning to ask Yu Xin if she wanted to head back to the dorm with her. Just then, her phone vibrated in her hand.

She glanced down.

It was a call from Duan Jiaxu.

Sang Zhi answered, “Brother.”

“Mm. Tomorrow morning at eight—” Before he finished, Duan Jiaxu heard the noise on her end, paused, and switched the conversation, “Where are you?”

“At a bar near my school.” Sang Zhi said, feeling a bit uncomfortable and speaking sluggishly, “I came with my roommates, but I’m getting ready to leave.”

Duan Jiaxu asked, “Are you going back alone?”

“I’ll ask my roommates if they’re going back.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Mm.” But Sang Zhi didn’t dare to be entirely honest, “Just a little.”

Duan Jiaxu’s voice turned cold, “What’s the name of the bar?”

Sang Zhi couldn’t quite remember, so she turned to Jiang Ming. “What’s the name of this bar?”

Jiang Ming thought for a moment. “I think it’s called ‘Week Eight’.”

“Oh, thanks.” Sang Zhi turned back to the phone and hesitantly said, “It’s called ‘Week Eight’.”

Duan Jiaxu was silent for a few seconds. “Mm. Stay inside and wait. I’m coming over.”

Sang Zhi was startled, not understanding why he suddenly wanted to come over. She wondered, “Why are you coming? Do you want to join us?”

There was the sound of a door closing on his end, mixed with his breathy voice, low and sexy, “Brother is coming to catch a drunkard.”

“……”

Sang Zhi felt the bar was stuffy. She put on her coat and bid farewell to the others, “I’m going back first. I haven’t packed my things yet.”

Jiang Ming stood up too. “I’ll walk you back.”

“No need.” Sang Zhi mumbled, “My brother is waiting outside.”

Jiang Ming was surprised, “Does your family live around here?”

“No.” Sang Zhi blinked hard, waving her hand. “But my brother works here.”

She walked out of the bar.

It was especially cold outside, with tiny snowflakes falling. The cold wind gave her a brief moment of clarity. Sang Zhi sniffed, took out her gloves from her pocket, and slowly put them on.

Sang Zhi rarely saw snow, so she got interested. She picked up a stick nearby and squatted to draw matchstick figures in the snow.

She felt weak, and her drawings were wobbly.

After squatting for a while, Sang Zhi felt a bit nauseous and eventually just sat on the ground.

Duan Jiaxu arrived just then.

He parked his car by the road and walked over. Noticing Sang Zhi sitting on the roadside, he was taken aback, then quickly strode over and asked, “Sang Zhi, why are you sitting here?”

“It seems wet.” Sang Zhi turned her head, mumbling, “My pants seem to be wet.”

Duan Jiaxu’s eyebrows rose. “What?”

Sang Zhi tried to get up but felt weak. “Brother, this snow is wet.”

“……” Duan Jiaxu took a deep breath, grabbed her wrist, and pulled her up. “How much did you drink?”

Sang Zhi muttered, “Just half a glass.”

“Half a glass of what?” Duan Jiaxu looked down, smiling in exasperation. “And who told you to go to a bar?”

“I’m an adult now.” Hearing the reprimand in his voice, Sang Zhi suddenly looked up and seriously repeated, “I’m an adult now.”

“Even as an adult, you can’t—”

Sang Zhi interrupted him, “Why can’t I?”

Duan Jiaxu was slightly taken aback. He bent down to look at her and softly asked, “Why is little Sang Zhi losing her temper?”

A sense of grievance suddenly surged up and Sang Zhi inexplicably felt like crying. Her voice had a hint of a sob, “You said so yourself, once I became an adult, I could do whatever I wanted and no one could control me.”

“……”

“You said so yourself.”

The things she wanted to do, the ones that had to wait until she was an adult, there weren’t many.

Just that one thing.

But after becoming an adult, it seemed her courage had diminished.

Before, she just didn’t dare to tell him she liked him.

Now, she found she didn’t even dare to like him.

At this age, others were bravely expressing their feelings to the ones they love.

Why could she only endure it?

She wanted to contact him less, yet feared he wasn’t doing well alone.

“What’s wrong?” Duan Jiaxu frowned. “Who bullied you?”

Sang Zhi used her glove to wipe away her tears, her voice muffled, “No one.”

She felt dizzy and couldn’t walk steadily so she wanted to sit down on the ground again, but Duan Jiaxu grabbed her immediately. Sang Zhi leaned against him, muttering, “I want to go home.”

Duan Jiaxu felt both angry and amused, “Can you even go back tomorrow?”

“I don’t feel good.” Sang Zhi frowned, her tone slowing down, “Brother, I want to throw up.”

Duan Jiaxu took off his jacket and used it to shield her from public view. “Then do it.”

Sang Zhi tried. “I can’t.”

Duan Jiaxu said softly, “Then let’s sit nearby for a bit?”

“I can’t walk.” Sang Zhi shook her head. “I don’t want to walk.”

“Brother will carry you.”

Sang Zhi stared at him. After a while, she suddenly started to cry, throwing a seemingly inexplicable tantrum, “I don’t want to. I don’t want to move.”

“……” Duan Jiaxu said, “Then to the car?”

“I don’t want to.”

Duan Jiaxu inexplicably felt like laughing. “So little Sang Zhi wants to stay here and enjoy the breeze?”

Sang Zhi didn’t respond, as if she didn’t hear him. She sniffled and suddenly said, “Brother, can I tell you a secret?”

“Hmm?”

“I have someone I really, really like.” Sang Zhi lowered her eyes, sobbing, “But he just doesn’t like me.”

“……”

The curve at the corner of Duan Jiaxu’s mouth flattened a bit, his smile wavering. “Who?”

Sang Zhi didn’t answer.

“That online crush of yours?” Duan Jiaxu’s Adam’s apple bobbed, his voice hoarse, “Or someone from your school?”

Sang Zhi looked up at him, silent for a long while before her lips moved, “I won’t tell you.”

The fact that she liked Duan Jiaxu, Sang Zhi had never told anyone.

Not a single person.

She went from liking him to giving up, and then to being unable to help but continue liking him.

It was all her own matter.

Only she knew everything.

Duan Jiaxu asked, “You can’t even tell Brother?”

Sang Zhi wanted to say something else, but her throat suddenly felt sour. She suddenly leaned forward onto his chest, unable to hold back, and vomited the contents of her stomach onto him.

“……”

Not long after, Sang Zhi stood up, seeming to be a bit more clear-headed. Realizing what she had just done, she took a step back, timidly saying, “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Afraid she might fall, Duan Jiaxu reached out to support her.

But Sang Zhi broke free from him, stepped back a few more steps, and squatted down. “Don’t be harsh on me.”

“……” Duan Jiaxu glanced at his clothes, took it off directly, and then put his jacket back on. He squatted down in front of Sang Zhi and used his clothes to wipe her mouth, speaking with interest, “How am I harsh on you?”

Sang Zhi whimpered. “Don’t scold me……”

Duan Jiaxu said, “Get up.”

“I don’t want to.” Sang Zhi sat back on the ground, stubbornly refusing to move. “You will definitely scold me again……”

“I won’t.” Duan Jiaxu said patiently, “Get up, don’t catch a cold.”

Sang Zhi remained cautious but motionless.

Duan Jiaxu’s eyebrows raised slightly. “Also, when did I scold you?”

Sang Zhi didn’t respond.

“Where did this little drunkard come from?” Duan Jiaxu wasn’t angry. Suddenly bending his eyes, he laughed. “Get up quickly, Brother’s clothes are dirty, I can’t hold you up.”

Sang Zhi lowered her head, her voice nasal, “So you don’t care about me anymore.”

“Mm? I really don’t feel like caring.” Duan Jiaxu turned his back and squatted in front of her. “But I really can’t bear to.”

“……”

“Come on.” Duan Jiaxu said, “Brother will carry you.”

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